Scared

Feeling a little scared right now. My life is about to take a big jump and I'm really scared as to where it is going. I had my life all set, married, good job, thinking about having kids, the whole nine yards. Now my life is going down a road that is long, scary and dark but it could have a wonderful surprise at the end. There is a lot up in the air right now, I mean a lot but it's scaring the shit out of me.

I want to be excited and in a way I am but I'm more just lost and again scared. I hate myself a lot I have hurt people in this and I am going to continue to hurt people if this does not work out. I should be brave and make the smart choice but I want the dream that has been painted for me. I think I can be happy in this life but so much does not depend on me, I'm just stepping into the mix.

I want to cry so bad when it comes to this but I have such a hard time crying. After I left my husband I cried a little when I told him but mainly I was calm. All the way driving to my sisters nothing not a single tear, it was not until I was sitting on the couch burping her baby that I started crying and it was like sobs. I was sitting thinking about how badly I wanted a baby and that know I was going to have to wait and it was making me think of my husband and all the plans we had made. It was just too much for me. The other day I was talking on the phone more like arguing and I was starting to cry again, I was so frustrated. Someone was trying to get me to make the right choice and I was so scared I just started to lose it. Why can't I cry at the moment why is it only later when I am thinking that I cry. Today someone was just asking me a question about my ring and why I needed it and again I was almost in tears, all I could think was how empty my finger looked and felt. I have had something on that finger for so long and now it's gone, the ring I have there now is not even right I need something new something right.

I just want my life to go forward I am sick of the waiting room. I don't want to hurt any more and I don't want to hurt anyone else, but it looks like to be happy I may just have to. What a choice, I can be such a idiot. Maybe my life is meant to be this way maybe really good things will happen. I am going to hold on to this dream and maybe it will be the paradise I am looking for.