Writting

I always find that when my life is at the most rocky I write more, whether it's in a journal, poems, or just short quick sentences. I guess the emotions in my head just build up and need somewhere else to go. This blog has been a nice help to me mainly because almost no one reads it. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings and if someone does come across it then it's nice to know someone has seen my words.

I don't know how to feel right now so much is going on and I have so little control. It's all about the wait right now, the not knowing what is going to happen in my life. Even if some things get figured out there is still a chance that it could change at a moments notice and it won't be me who makes the change. I will be just riding the wave hoping it does not stop and leave me stranded alone on the beach. I want to have more say in this but I guess what can I expect I made the choice to take this leap I could have said no.

I don't know why I can deal with things so calmly. I look at things that most people would say no, never, not in a million years and I say sure, I would like that, lets try. I guess I just don't want to go with what everyone else says is right. I think that as long as you are not hurting anyone else and you are happy why is it bad. Right know thought I am hurting other people and that is what I want to stop. I want to be a part of my life, i want a say in what is going to happen but for right now I am just going to have to wait. But it's killing me. It's killing me to know that my life and happiness is in someone else's hands.

Emotions suck! I wish for just a little while I did not have to think. For the last three years I have been going to an Anime convention in Baltimore called Otakon and I was supposed to go this year too but because of all that is going on I can't. I want to go so bad because it would be such a nice escape, a way to think of nothing but fun and anime. I wish wish I could go so very sad. Well maybe next year.