Late Night Ramblings By A Chandra

Sometimes I just don't feel like me, like one second I know who I am and the next I just feel like I'm walking in a fog. I'm 26 and I feel so very young but I don't know how else I should feel I keep waiting for the day I will grow up but I just can't see it coming. I feel like I'm in love but I'm scared that I'm just walking down a dead end road, who am I, what made me think this was the right thing.

My grandfathers death made me think of so many scary things, like what would I do if Rob died? My grandfather is never going to see my children, where will I go for Christmas and Thanksgiving? How soon will it be before I have to worry about my parents, If Heather dies before Rob and I will we make it together alone?

At the memorial service they had a table set up with some of my grandfathers things, the hardest thing for me to look at was the coffee cup and saucer, the little spoon resting on the side. It was such a staple of who he was every time I saw him he had a cup of coffee at one point or another. Here's what his life came down to for me that little cup of coffee, I would never see him drink it again or even just hold it. He really is dead. So much was poured into that stupid cup for me and I just don't know how to think about it or handle it. I keep thinking that this should not be a big thing I should be able to move on but I just can't seem to put it away. I say I am but I'm not, I want to be strong but I'm just not.

Deep down I'm tired, I know everyone else is too it's just that I try so hard to pretend I'm not. I bitch to my friend and she listens but why does it have to wait so long, why can't I just say I hate this I don't want to be careful I don't care what other people think. I know it's because I do I don't want to hurt the ones I love but so much is riding on one little step. Journal's are for bitching I would not have them any other way.

I hate that their here too, it totally cuts into our life and the way we live. It's there house but I want to be gone, well and truly away so we don't have to play hidey games and who will say honey first by accident and have to explain it.

The I go and watch a movie "Juno" which I find I truly love and of course I cry because it's about a teenager having a baby and what do movie's about babies do to me? The same thing they do every time Pinky they make me cry. I can't kick it no surrey bob. Babies on my mind all the time sweet little pink things. I want to be the one all sweaty and crying holding the baby in my arms that I just pushed out my girl part. I want to smell it's amazing little head and count its many little fingers and toes, I want to look up into Rob's face and see tears in his eyes as he looks at his baby, for gods sake I would take him just smiling like an idiot if he does not want to cry.

I'm also sick of myself and sex, for once in my life I don't want to think about it all the time. I love it and it is very much a part of me but I just want it off my brain for a little bit. Who am I sex girl, doing and thinking of nothing else. Ug I want sex so bad right now but I also don't know if it's just me thinking that but my body really just does not care.

Maybe I just want this chapter to end already and the new one to start, no more dilly dally. The show must go on and all that crap, bring on the stage hands to strike the set. I need to lay on my new bedroom floor in my bare feet and just smell the air and know it's mine. I need for Rob to lay next to me even though he thinks I'm a nut because he understands how I feel that this is a new life for me something amazing that we are making together, with love, children, friendship, and long days to look forward to. Closing my eyes and letting the silliness of it just slip away and just being there and feeling that shift as things finally go down the right course, that it what I want.

Remember these are just words, they are truths but not ones to bury yourself with. Ramblings of a late night Chandra and her crazy pink skull filled mind.

Some Q&A

ECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A picture from an online comic I love called Dominic Deegan: Oricale for Hire. Its really lovely hard to explain what it looks like.

Q. How many televisions you have in your house?
The one I am in right now has 4. My apartment that I will soon be moving into will have 1, its huge though.

BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right. I was born able to use both but now I am a righty.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A Kidney, to my twin sister, she sucks.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
HUmmmmm, a heavy box yesterday. We where moving stuff into the garage to get ready for the move. yippee.

Q. Have you ever been knocked out?
Nope, I have been knocked silly before. I think anyone who has siblings has most likely been knocked silly once or twice.

BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Oh this is hard because in someways I really want to know, so I can be ready and make sure to tell the people I care about how much they mean to me. I really don't want to know because if it's soon I will be so pissed I really have things I want to do like have a BABY!!!!! Ug sorry.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Nope I love my name it's neat and I think different.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
Burgendy is a great color on me.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item?
I think a marble and maybe a penny when I was younger.

DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
You can pay me for it if you want but I would totally do it without the money, ummm girl lips so soft and lovely.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
I have to say no. I have a phobia about my hands, I need they to stay perfect and working. I get all scared and shaky thinking about something happening to them.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Totally I love blogs but money is the good, and I could still write in a journal.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Oh my god yes, I have always wanted to pose in the nude and to get payed good money for it is even better.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No, never every I have seen what happens when you do that and it is a gross and yucky thing.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
No, simple and completely no. There are people I don't like but I could never do something like that I think in the end it would kill me to. My mom once told me that if anyone did anything to her children she would make them pay, but not by killing them. She said she would hunt them down and torture them until they truly knew how she felt and she would not be nice, I could totally see myself doing that to someone in the same situation.

DUMBOLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
Nothing I am not wearing pant's, hehe I am in my PJ's and no pants involved. WINK!

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
yes. I likey.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Both.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Stand most times if I am feeling tired or sad I sit.

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
Two pairs I love them.

FAVORITOLOGY
Q: Number?
7 my birthday.

Q: Season?
Fall, I love the smell of the air and the sound of the leaves crunching on the ground.

Q: Color?
I love Purple but I am starting to really like hot pink.

CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
Oh yup, my parents, my sister, amazing Mina, my friends everyone, most of all my man.

Q: Mood?
Relaxed, trying to stay that way. Also totally turned on but I have to be a good girl I was lazered in the girl parts so no fooling around.

Q: Listening to?
Over the rainbow the Hawaiian version sung by Jason Castro.

Q: Watching?
Made on Mtv.

Q: Worrying about?
My grandfathers service, I don't want to cry and be sad but I know I will be.

Q: Wearing?
my PJ's a cute blue and black night gown with contemporary flowers on them.

RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
Bathroom, sorry had to pee.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
Have sex I want sex so bad.

Q: Do you smile often?
All the time I love it.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
I think I am, I like to be happy and friendly.

Service

So last night was a hard night for me, I went to bed around 11:30pm but did not finally go to sleep until around 2:00am. I was laying in bed thinking about my grandfather’s memorial service that is this Saturday and what I was going to wear when I started to cry. Here I was thinking about what is the right thing to wear to say goodbye to my Grumpa and it was too much. I feel like I have been doing so well with his death but thinking about actually being there and truly feeling that he is gone is so scary.

I know it is not Rob’s fault that he can’t really come, mainly because of the whole already married thing but I am really sad that I have no one to go with me. My family will be there of course but Rob is so good at making me feel safe and loved that I wish he could be there to hold me since I know I am going to cry. Just writing this I am starting to tear up which is bad since I am at work.

The closer I get to Saturday the harder it is for me to not think about it, god I have never dealt with this before. I think I will be ok I just hope that I can hold it together, I really just want to be happy, I am so bad at being sad. I feel wrong when I am sad, like I am letting myself and other people down I need to not feel that way. I know its ok for me to be sad I just don’t know how to let myself, I’m afraid I will just break down into tears YUCK.

Oh well I will write more after the service, can’t wait to see my family I just wish it was for a happier reason.

Fighting

I hate when Heather and Rob fight, it’s stupid but it feels like when my parents used to fight I just want to fix it. I want them to get along I hate seeing them angry at each other, plus I feel stuck in the middle. I like being a happy person so when other people around me are sad I feel sad too, plus I have to tread carefully so as not to make anyone mad at me since they are already in mad mode.

The argument mainly has to do with money and how said money is spent for the new apartment. I feel like I’m in the middle because some of the big things that need to be bought are a bed and bedroom furniture for my room. I keep thinking that Heather has to be thinking in her head that if she did not have to spend money on my stupid stuff she could use it for more stuff that she wanted. I’m scared to make her feel resentful of me so I am trying to make sure to pay for the bed myself but it seems to be a sticking point. I don’t have the money for the bed right now so until I do they are going to have to pay for it then I can pay them back.

She found a bed for me today and as much as I am happy that she found it I can’t help but think that she got it out of the way because she was mad and sick of hearing about it. I don’t want to be an issue I hate that I still feel like I don’t know my place.

She could still decide “Hey I hate this I totally want this girl out of my face” and dump me to the curb. I guess I just want some sort of word from her that she has excepted this and that baring me being a huge idiot and doing something dumb (like cheat on Rob, steal money from them or any other big relationship ending thing) that I get to stay an she will not fight it.

Ug this is all I every talk about “When will she except me, I’m so scared, what will I do” Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine. So tired of this, I just want to relax no more stress please, please. I am such a dork, really a big one.

As one

I’m ready to be married to Rob; all I want is to be with him forever. I know that I can never be married to him in the legal sense but to me that does not really matter; the emotional and spiritual part is what my heart longs for. So much has happened to us in the past year amazingly good and horrible bad but all of it has just brought me closer to him. For awhile I was so afraid that we would end up like all of my other relationships, I could always feel when things where going bad but I never really listened to myself. With Rob I don’t feel that, everyday I am happy to see him and even when things are hard I can’t see myself leaving. I have learned a lot about myself in this time as well, I was lying so often before this is was becoming apart of who I was finally I am free of that. I hate lying now even just a little, I want to always be honest and fair.

I want to dance with him, rub my face on his neck, fell small as he hugs me in his arms, taste his warm lips, talk to him about video games and Naruto, get my butt beaten by him in dag (hopefully beat him someday to), tell him when I’m sad and have him be there for me no matter what is making me that way, have and take care of his troublemaking babies, all the rest of my life.

I’m never going to look back this is the right place for me Heather and Rob will always be my family. When the day comes where we can finally swear our lives together I will truly be the happiest I have ever been in my whole life.

Grumpa

So this morning around 4 am my grandpa passed away. He had a stroke in January and was recovering fairly well when last week he had another stroke. He was not waking up and after doing the MRI they find that it was a major stroke and they don't think he is going to wake up. When you talked to him he would squeeze your hand sometimes but he was not waking up and he had a to tube down his throat to keep him breathing. On Saturday after seeing how uncomfortable he was with the tube and the possibilities of him actually waking up where so bad my grandma, father, and aunt decided it was time to take the tube out. My grandpa and them all talked about the fact that he did not want to be kept alive with tubes and things after his last stroke that they knew this was what he wanted. The took the tube out and gave him and oxygen mask and a morphine drip to keep him calm and then it was just waiting.

After my mom called me to tell me that they where pulling the tube I started to cry it was to much to think that he was going to die. I had no idea what to do and how to feel. Rob came and held me well I cried, he also told me about how he felt when his grandfather died and it really helped me. I was so happy that I had him there, I never expected to have someone be there to support me.

The next few days where so hard waiting for the call, its not that I wanted him to die I wish that he would have woken up and been all better but the waiting was killing me. All I could think about was my grandma and family going back everyday to watch him slowly pass away I wanted to be there so bad to help them.

After my mom called at 4 I could not go back to sleep I just kept thinking about him so I got up and watched some crappy TV. I was fine numbing my brain until Rob came out to hug me in the morning and I just lost it a little bit. Telling him what happened made me think about it and thus tears and Chandra weeping. I don't know how I am going to be in the next couple of days I think I may end up losing it again, all day I have lost it in little spurts. I have never dealt with death before I really just don't know what will happen.

In a few weeks they are going to have a memorial service because my grandmother can't handle a funeral. Right now I am just trying to figure things out and I hope I can get some sleep tonight.

Crappy Cells

So I went to the doctor today and found out that I have precancerous cells on my Cervix. What this means is that I will have to have surgery to have the cells removed. It's an outpatient surgery so I don't have to stay overnight someone will have to drive me home, Rob will probably do that. I am optimistic that this will work, the doctor said that this should clear up all the bad cells. Afterwards I will be healing for about 4 weeks, which during that time nothing is supposed to go in the Vagoo area. Sadness for me. Then I have to go to the doc's after the 4 weeks, then 3 months later, then 6 months, then finally back to once a year. From now on they will have to keep track and make sure that everything is staying clear and clean.

I'm nervous I would be lying if I said I wasn't but I really do think that things are going to be ok.

Party

This week I went to my first Wine and Old Movies party and I had an amazing time. I was a little nervous because all the other people at the party I had never meet before except for the hosts. I ended up really liking all the people came, it was also nice to talk to some other poly people and see how things work for them. I really just hoped that I was not my normal over talky self and that they liked me. I loved getting to try some wines since I really don’t drink that much, at most once or twice a year.

I honestly don’t find alcohol that great most of the time it tastes crapy and does not really do much for me. When I do drink enough to get drunk I generally feel sick and am not that happy, the last time that happened is when I turned 20 I have never done that again. Rob and Heather came and picked me up not because I felt overly drunk more because of the mix of being sleepy and tipsy I did not want to take the chance. I ended up having a fight/discussion with Rob because of some misunderstandings between the both of us. I never realized how against drinking he is, he does not want to be like Dave in the sense that he tells what I can and can not do but he is not happy about me drinking. In the past he has had some bad experiences with drinking so he is very leery of anyone else doing it around him. We talked about it and came to an understanding, I can drink it’s my choice if I do but he can’t promise that he is going to be happy about it. I probably will not change my habits to much since I rarely drink anyways but I will take his feeling more in to consideration when we talk before I go.

I loved the party it was a real chance for me to meet new people and do something a little out of my norm, I hope I have the option to do something like this again.

Computer

So I really hate that I have no computer at home anymore, I understand that we don’t have any money to buy one at this time but it really sucks. For me the reason that it’s so important is that without it I have lost another bit of my freedom, before all I had to do was turn on my laptop and I could use it anywhere and anytime I want. Now I have to always worry if Heather is going to want to use the computer and I have to go downstairs away from everyone else. I am just frustrated that another piece of my freedom is gone, it’s no one’s fault but right now I feel like I have to fight for every bit of privacy and freedom I have in this house. I know that Rob and Heather have to feel the same way about something’s so I really do hope they understand my sometimes complaining about not having a computer.

I love my family but until we move to a place of our own I think I am going to be a little crazy about my stuff here.

Post Valentines

So tired I drove all over the place yesterday, no rest for the Chandra. I was nice because I got to talk to both my sister and my mother which I never seem to have time to. Rob also was really nice and took my sister and I to lunch and then my mom, sister and I to dinner later. I really wanted him to have a change to get to know my mother and he seemed like he liked her well enough, she even teased him a little it was very cute.

On the way to drive my mother home which is about and hour and a half drive we got to really talk about what is going on in our lives and how we feel about it. I have always been close to my mother; she has always made it clear that I could tell her anything which has really made me happy not having to hide my life. When Dave was unemployed and I was living with my parents one of the thing I really loved was coming home to my mother at night at talking about my day at work and hearing about her day at home. As much as I love living away from her I really miss those talks we had, I think she does too. She made me feel really good about my relationship with Rob, she is so understanding of the fact that I love him and that we really want to be together. She asked some questions on how the whole thing was working and how I though Heather was dealing with it. I realized as I was talking to her I have not really talked to Heather in a long time and I really needed to find sometime to do that.

The night before last I went out with my friend Autumn and it was just wonderful. Every time I go out with her I have an amazing time, I just love talking to her we have so much in common. I really needed that time to because I was feeling a little stressed since Heather came home I needed some time to vent and just think about something else. After we went to this wonderful sushi place that was classy but not overly we came back to her house and I just sat and talked to her and her husband Eric for an hour it was so great. They are great people to be around because they really have stuff to say it’s nice to talk about something other then what I normally talk about. I love talking to Rob, Heather, my sister and the rest of my family but it’s nice to do something different once and awhile.

Feeling wise I am doing ok, I really miss the calm freedom of last week but I am getting back into the swing of things. I really feel bad for being so whinny about something I accepted because I did, I said I would be ok with sharing but my head does not always listen to me. I just got so much attention last week that now I want it all the time, I also realize with Heather home that Rob is very affectionate with her but they are not as crazy as he and I are. This is not a bad thing mind you, it just makes me start to wonder if maybe I am to affectionate, because Rob is constant with his love only the girl he is around changes. I just love being around a person, holding and touching and just talking. We seemed happy so I guess it was not bad, I hate second guessing myself so I’m going to stop thinking about it.

Not Emo

I want to say that I write in this blog all the time no matter what my mood is but I honestly would be lying. I mainly write in this when I have something on my mind usually it’s when I am sad or mad, or just need to let things out.

So here goes, I’m happy really deep down happy. It has been so long since I have truly been this happy with things, sometimes I fell shell shocked as if I don’t know how this is supposed to feel. I find my self more inclined to be sad not because I don’t like being happy but I think just because I am so used to feeling sad.

Rob told me the other day that I act like an animal that has not gotten love or petting in a long time. I get so surprised when Rob will stroke my hand or kiss my head, with Dave he was just so cold sometimes, I really don’t think he meant to be it was just not something he did, especially in front of other people.

I am bringing this all up because yesterday Heather came home from her trip to visit her family and I was dreading it. I really like Heather otherwise I would not be in the situation I am in but after having such an amazing week with Rob I was not looking forward to things going back to the way they where. When Heather is around I feel like I play second place, most often it’s because I put myself in that place. I worry so much about making her fell left out or under loved that I purposely step back to give her that place. Being with Rob alone was so different, I felt like the atmosphere in the house was lighter. I was so loving and happy with Rob and I felt like I could say anything I wanted to him and not worry that Heather would be sad. Also when Heather is around her need to make sure everything in the house is always perfect at all times can be overwhelming. One of the things I really like about her is her ability to be so detailed and organized but sometimes I would love for her to just let it go for a little bit. I just feel like the way Rob and I act when she is around is so different, I don’t know what it is but it drives me nuts just a little bit.

Again I sort of got off subject I am writing this post about being happy it’s just taking me a minute to get there. So last night Rob came and tucked me into be, after 7 nights of sleeping with him I could not help but find myself tearing up as he hugged me. Rob asked me to please not cry and I promised that I would not, even though in my head I was thinking how can I not. So after he left I laid there for a bit and just tried to think how I was going to deal with all of this, because I was going to have to find someway or I was going to drive myself crazy. Then I just knew, it was such a little thing but I knew it would work. I had to realize that things where not always going to be perfect, that I was not going to be happy all of the time it was just not going to happen. Suddenly I was so much happier, I was still sad that I was going to have to sleep alone but I felt better knowing that it was ok for me to feel that way.

I am happy, I feel closer to Rob having gotten the change to experience life with him as just a couple and I also realized how happy I was that Heather was home. I missed her and I wanted her back in my life, as much as I sometimes have a hard time understanding why she does things I still like her and want her around. I loved getting some freedom with Rob I really did, I really needed to feel the closeness I was worried that we where lacking. Well I think I am done ranting for a little bit, the next post will probably be depressing and Emo but at least right now I’m happy.

Can’t Be Close Enough

I am so happy; things have not been this good in a very long time I really feel like my choice was a good one.

Heather is away for the week visiting her parents so Rob and I are on our own and it's really giving us a chance to connect again. With all the crap that has been going on in our lives we really just needed a moment to breath. I only wish that I could give Rob and Heather a week together alone so they can connect again too, maybe I will try and arrange something.

The last couple of nights we have just spent our evenings together watching TV and doing other household activities. Then we go to bed and just snuggle together, it feels so nice having someone in bed with me again knowing that they will be there all night to touch and hold if I want to.

When I am with him I just can't be close enough I just want to pull him into my skin and hold him there forever. The sense of love I feel for him is just growing so large that it's hard to hold sometimes. God I feel so sappy and silly but I really do feel this way and I would not give it up for anything. I just hope that this is going to be able to hold up to all the crap that is going to be happening in the next couple of months, I need it to.

Writing Frenzy

Well tonight I am just is a crazy writing frenzy, everything seems to be coming up. Just watched the Waitress and loved it so much, it has everything that I hate to love and was good at kicking me in every little button. If you every get the chance to see it I highly recommend it.

This was a hard day for me so many things just hit me upside the head and I can't help feeling like I may cry and I truly am sick of the crying but I am also sick of the things causing me to want to. I wish my brain would shut off and I could just not care for one moment how much I hate this and how I should be happy with what I have but I just can't seem to. I so have a lot but I just want to not feel like the biggest mean person around and right now that's how I feel and I just loath it. I am going to go have some pie then I am going to go to bed, then tomorrow I am going to see a movie with some friends who are not Rob and Heather and try to enjoy it. Then I will go to be probably cry my eye balls out and feel better for it, or maybe I will do that tonight not sure yet I guess I'm going to have to feel it out.

Things will get better I know and this to will pass but until then I hate everyone and everything for just a little while.

Really see Waitress if you can very good, night.

Baby Crap

Just want to say how much I hate crying over babies ever time I see them, every fucking time could so do without the crying and the knowing that it's going to be years and years and years before I can have one of my own if at all. That's it, that's all I have to say stupid baby crap.

Curse

So I realize that I am not being fair in all of this, I want us all to be happy and yet I get all dramatic when one of us is less then thrilled. I just really did not want to be in this place right now, I wanted things to stay good we had final gotten over all the big money crap. Yuck. My family jokes about this curse we have, we call it the Benoit curse it’s named after my mother’s father side of the family. The joke is that where every one of us (one of us being my direct family) goes the curse follows bringing bad things in it’s wake. We joke about it because we know bad stuff happens all the time and that it’s no fault of ours but right now it really feels like it is my fault. I come in to their perfectly put together life, they have a great setup they are starting to save money and think about buying a house all those things a couple does. Then I give them all new bills to deal with, jealousy, stress and it feels like I really just cause ruin.

Rob keeps telling me that it’s just the fact that this is like a new relationship and that during the start of all relationships you always have to go thru this stuff. I just can’t seem to get past the fact that I am just a big chore. I’m not leaving I just won’t, I just hate that it has to be this hard. I really picked a hard relationship to be in, I could have gone with a couple who was already into this kind off thing sharing and all that but NOOOOO I had to choose someone who’s wife can’t even comprehend kissing someone else let alone loving someone else. I know I whine but I love Rob I really don’t want another couple, even if this is hard. I hope things get better I don’t want to be waiting forever, I want this to be a till the end of our days thing so I hope Heather can decide if that is what she wants to because I really don’t want to go anywhere.

I have to chill a little, we have not even been at this for a year yet and I expect perfection. Most relationships don’t even get serious until a year has gone by, I have to remember that things may have been going on longer with Rob and I but Heather has really only be dealing with this since July. Well this little Pony is just going to raine herself in and let life come, we will get there we just need to take a little more time walking not running.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So here I am thinking everything is going great, we all seem happy life has really started to hit it's grove, the big bills are behind us and we seemed to be taking some slow steps forward. Then Heather says see is feeling too jealous and that it's very hard for her to deal with that, she goes so far as to say that if it gets to bad she will leave so we can be happy together. The whole martyr syndrome, I hate to call it that but I have done that myself in the past so that is what it truly is. I knew this was not going to be easy, one step at a time, feeling as we go but I have to be honest at least to myself and say I am frustrated.

Rob and I have finally gotten our night together a few weeks ago and since then we have had two more. We where going for an every Friday sort of thing, just until Heather was comfortable and ready to give us some more time. Now Rob wants us to take some steps back, be less loving in public, not as much affection, I recommended maybe we should cut off Friday's all together for right now. What gets me about this is that it feels like we have already been going at this in a snails pace and now we have to slow it down even more. I am not being fair the rule in Poly is you have to go as fast as the slowest person but I can't help it. I fell like at some point you just have to say your going to live with it or don't that simple. I would hate for Heather to say she could no longer deal with it and she wanted me to leave but it would be better then this axe always hanging over my head. Right now I never know when it could happen and really it's scary enough in a new relationship to put your self completely in to loving a person and now I have this to think about. I'm afraid to give my whole heart if I have to worry about it being throw back in my face at any time.

I don't know what else to do, I will cut back give her the time and support that she needs. But this brings back a lot of fear for me and I don't know really what I am going to do about it, I guess the only think I can do deal, I have really fallen to deep into this really settled my heart on it. If it falls I fall too and I will have to just pick up the pieces and hope that I have not lost to many of them.

Somewhat at a Lose

So I am sort of at a lose here, things have been going well like really well. This last Friday Rob and I finally got our first night together, it was so nice having someone sleeping beside me again. I would roll over and be able to reach my hand out and touch him and hear his happy little sighs. Last night I was moving in my bed and I though oh man I pulled the blankets off of Rob when I looked I realized that he was not there, it only took me one night to start thinking like a women in a relationship. Now I am just waiting to find out if this is going to be a every week thing or if I am going to be waiting months again before I get to sleep with him again.

The next great thing that is happening in my life is Heather and I have joined a gym. To some this may not seem like such a good thing, but for me it's great. I am so ready to be healthy and thiner, I really feel like I am going to stick with it this time and that I am going to reach my goal. Going gives me a sense of confidence and pride, I really feel like I am finally doing something to help myself.

I am frustrated about one thing thought, I love Rob but sometimes he can be so callous. He is so loving towards me and Heather, he works so hard to make us both happy and deals with a lot of shit because of it. I just can't understand why he can't be that way with his friends too, sometimes he could really care less how other people feel. What bothers me is that this is one of the things I really hated about Dave, I tend to be a caring person and it drives me nuts to have to clean up the messes that are made because of it. I really like all my friends and I want them to be happy and when the person I am with treats them crappy I don't know what to do. No one is perfect I understand that and maybe he really did not mean to be callous, maybe he just got mad because I was bringing it up a lot and said he did not care but I just don't know. The problem I am having is I don't know if I really want to deal with this again, I hated that Dave was like that I was happy that I was done with that. Ug I don't know I think I am just going to have to deal with it for right now I am new with him maybe it won't be as bad as Dave and I can learn the best way to talk to him about it.

Well I am going to go to bed now so sleepy, love to all and happiness in all your lives.

Holiday Season

So things are going along ok, I've moved upstairs into Heathers parents room and the house is finally empty of all but the three of us.

Yesterday my mother told me something that made me very sad, I had called her to say hello and I was telling her about Rob and Heather going to his works Christmas dinner and that's when she said it. She told me that she really liked Heather and Rob but she was still holding out hope that someone would come along and take me away from all of that. She wanted for me to find someone who could love me without having to worry about sharing and keeping secrets from others. The biggest thing she wanted was for me to be able to have babies without having to hide who they belonged to mainly having to raise on my own. This hurt because I always thought she was so behind me in all of this only wanting for me to be happy, but once I though about it for a bit I realized her point of view. She really just wants me to be happy, and she hears a lot about the hard stuff I have to deal with in this relationship, she hears about the good stuff too but she worries more about the bad. I think the worst part is that I have thought these things myself sometimes. Sometimes I am so tired of hiding who we are, I never really thought in the beginning how much I was really going to have to hide in this life. Then just thinking about how I am going to have to raise my child kills me to, as much as I would love to give my child Rob's last name there is no way I can. I don't think we are ever going to tell Heather's parents about what is going on so if I suddenly had a baby and gave him Rob's last name that would be a pretty clear sigh. As much as I know that she only wants the best for me, it still hurt me.

I think I will post more on this post a little later in the month.

Sex, the dark and moving day.

So things are coming up pretty fast and I am surprised how nervous I am. Heather's parents are leaving on the 2nd of December and when they do I am going to be moving into their bed room. Which is good in a lot of ways it will get me off the couch and out of the scary basement. For the last couple of nights I have had a very hard time sleeping, it's very very dark when the lights are out and sadly I am very scared of the dark. My imagination is good I can very easily picture all the dark and scary things in the basement waiting to get me. Most nights I can block it out make my mind think sanely but from time to time no amount of me telling myself nothing is there will do it, like now. So coming up stairs will really help that.

Of course the next nice thing will be that it will be time to talk about sleep arrangements and really start to get things going with this relationship. Of course what comes with a two people sleeping together who are not relatives, snuggles, spooning, sleeping and oh of course sex. The big sex word and the big talk that is going to go along with it. I am going to the doctor in a few days to get blood work done which should help settle things then we should have a yellow light. We are still going to have to do a tiny bit more for the green but I am hoping that it will go as smoothly as it can considering. I want more then anything for this not to hurt anyone but I know this is not going to be clean and nice we are going to have to get over some major hurdles but I know we can do it I know we can.

Time is quickly marching along soon I think I can have this Divorce done and then I am free to truly just be. We will still have to work with everyones families which is going to be a little weird. Mine is easy they know and even thought they were a little confused at first they really just want me to be happy, the only funny thing I got was my dads comment "Why does he get to have his cake and eat it to...... WITH my daughter." It was great.

Then we will have to tell his family, I think it will be a shock to them but I am hoping from what he said that it will be ok eventually. As for her I don't know I don't think her family will ever understand, maybe one or two members but on the whole I fear bad bad things. I don't know if we are ever going to tell them I don't want her to lose her family she really loves them so much, she needs them in her life. Ah the choices that must be made in ones life, hard and not always as clearcut as we would like them to be.

For right now I am just going to be happy that moving day is coming up and that I will finally get to sleep in a real bed hopefully with a warm happy body next to me, not every night mind you but one or two right now is very much fine with me.

Music

Music for me holds something I can only begin to understand. When I hear great music it always tends to bring out strong emotions in me. During movie moments or just when I sit and listen in my car and let my mind wonder to all the things that are going on in my life. It can make me happy and in just a moments time I can find my self drawn to tears.

Sometimes all I want to do is spend my day sitting in a comfortable chair with a great book and music playing in the background. I remember days, I mean whole days as a young teen just curled up reading and listening to my mothers Madonna tape, and my dad’s Beetles, Yes, The Who and any number of other 70’s and 80’s bands.

My life is full of music I sing to it all day long if I am not singing I am humming the last thing I heard or remember. I have I would say at least 50 songs memorized in my brain if not more, and hundreds more that I can remember by hearing. Sometimes I wish that I could do something with my voice like take lessons or sing in a choir. Oh to sing in a choir again would be heaven, when you are in a truly good group it really is like heaven. I used to take lessons at school but nothing truly professional, I don’t want to boost but I think I am pretty good but I think I could be great if I had lessons.

I could go on and on forever on this subject, it interests me to no end especially because of the feelings it gives me. My heart bursts with the power of it, nothing else that is so sensory can move me so strongly. For now I am going to leave it where it is, I need to rest and try to put more of this is to view for myself.