A new page in my life is about to start. Any day I will get a letter finally saying that I am divorced, in many ways that truly makes me happy. I am sad about what happened between Dave and I and sometimes I wish that there could have been some way to fix it but I know there was not. I could have stayed with him and tried to work our relationship out but I know eventually I would not been able to handle it anymore. There where things I needed from him that he could not have given me, I am very affectionate and emotional, I need someone who can be that way with me but he was not that person. It’s not even his fault you can’t change who you are, he is just not very affectionate he tried he really did. I know in the end this was the right thing but I still feel bad and sometimes I truly miss him. I hope that someday he can find a girl like me with the happiness that he loved but who can be happy without displays of outward affection.
Sometimes I get down on my self I say I will never cheat again I have no reason to, but then I look back at all I have done and say if I have done it once who is to say I will not do it again in a moment of weakness. The thing is that I have grown up a lot since I have done those things and I have learned a lot about my nature. I know what situation are dangerous for me and I know to avoid them, I am stronger then I once was. I also really don’t think I would do anything even if it feel in my lap because I truly am happy and I’m not willing to let myself ruin that.
Trying for a baby is the hardest thing I am dealing with right now. I want so much for it to happen quickly but it's not. I know I need to stop stressing on it, because stress can make it hard to have a baby but I can't seem to get my mind to listen. A couple of weeks ago my friends and I where talking about the whole Mayan disaster that is supposed to happen in 2012 and my one friend joked that the world would end the moment I gave birth. I wanted so badly to kill him, like dead. It's silly but that is a major fear of mine, not the world ending thing so much but the whole not getting to have a child. I can only keep trying and hoping that it works, if not then I will really need to start looking at infertility stuff.
Rob's parents still don't know and I truly don't think they will by the time of his sisters wedding, I know he is trying but I also know how easy it is for him to put it out of his mind. He does not care to much if his family knows it's really me who cares. I want them to be a part of our lives, especial the babies lives once I have them. I don't want to wait until I am pregnant to tell them. But I also have decided that there is really nothing else I can do, if Rob and Heather decide to tell their families then great I will be so happy if not then I will learn to deal. If they are not a part of our lives I will be sorry for my children and for ourselves but it will be OK we have each other and my family who loves us all so very much. Things will be OK.
Life is becoming more normal everyday, more like a real relationship with it's in and outs. I'm happy truly truly happy, things will never be perfect but I think it doesn't matter any more I don't need perfect I need this.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Not Enough
Sometimes I think I drive Rob nuts with how many times I tell him I love him but its because I am trying so hard to get out how I really feel. I keep opening my mouth hoping the right thing will come out but its too big. Love just does not seem enough.
One night I was laying with him and it was like a physical ache inside me I needed so badly to be close to him. I was holding him so tightly to myself and so was he but it still hurt and I think it hurt him too, we could not get close enough. I don't know what it is that draws me so strongly to him I have tried figuring it out but I can't seem to see it. He has all the things that a normal person has, good, bad, in between. Some people would say more bad but I don't think so there is a lot of good in him it's just different.
He makes me laugh and cry, in all the good ways. He makes me feel, sometimes when I don't think I can. Its hard I'm not always happy and I can't see it myself but he does, I need that. He is always sure things will work out, while I always worry deep inside that they will not. He really does, he refuses to plan for things in the negative. I think I long for that in myself, I would love to let go of my fears and just know I am always going to be here with him. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by sex I can't stop wanting it, needing it even thought I know I'm pushing. I see that in him too, I don't always want to be driven so hard by it but I see him struggle as well and it makes me feel better. He looks at me and I honestly want to know what he sees, his eyes look so happy. I look at me and I see me, I can't find what about my face makes him so happy. I tried to think about his face and how it makes me smile and I can't pin point why I just cant.
Lots of people say that they want to have there loved ones baby because they want something that is a little bit of both of them. I want that I do but truly I want more of him, I live with me everyday I don't need more of me. I want to see what he was like when he was growing up, I know that a baby is his own individual self but there will be pieces of Rob in there. I want to see the joy and pride in Robs heart when he see's how much his son will be like him. Smart, funny, full of sass. Nothing can be more important to me then having that baby with Rob there so he can hold him when he is born, see how tiny he is. I never realized how small babies really are, I want to see him holding that tiny baby. I need that and I think Rob understands how much I need that baby. It's scary, so much can happen with children but I am truly willing to take that risk and jump right in.
I don't think I will ever be able to tell Rob how big this feeling I have for him is, or how much it makes me feel whole. I will just continue to live my life seeing myself as a better person because of what he sees and wishing I knew how he was able to find it in me.
One night I was laying with him and it was like a physical ache inside me I needed so badly to be close to him. I was holding him so tightly to myself and so was he but it still hurt and I think it hurt him too, we could not get close enough. I don't know what it is that draws me so strongly to him I have tried figuring it out but I can't seem to see it. He has all the things that a normal person has, good, bad, in between. Some people would say more bad but I don't think so there is a lot of good in him it's just different.
He makes me laugh and cry, in all the good ways. He makes me feel, sometimes when I don't think I can. Its hard I'm not always happy and I can't see it myself but he does, I need that. He is always sure things will work out, while I always worry deep inside that they will not. He really does, he refuses to plan for things in the negative. I think I long for that in myself, I would love to let go of my fears and just know I am always going to be here with him. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by sex I can't stop wanting it, needing it even thought I know I'm pushing. I see that in him too, I don't always want to be driven so hard by it but I see him struggle as well and it makes me feel better. He looks at me and I honestly want to know what he sees, his eyes look so happy. I look at me and I see me, I can't find what about my face makes him so happy. I tried to think about his face and how it makes me smile and I can't pin point why I just cant.
Lots of people say that they want to have there loved ones baby because they want something that is a little bit of both of them. I want that I do but truly I want more of him, I live with me everyday I don't need more of me. I want to see what he was like when he was growing up, I know that a baby is his own individual self but there will be pieces of Rob in there. I want to see the joy and pride in Robs heart when he see's how much his son will be like him. Smart, funny, full of sass. Nothing can be more important to me then having that baby with Rob there so he can hold him when he is born, see how tiny he is. I never realized how small babies really are, I want to see him holding that tiny baby. I need that and I think Rob understands how much I need that baby. It's scary, so much can happen with children but I am truly willing to take that risk and jump right in.
I don't think I will ever be able to tell Rob how big this feeling I have for him is, or how much it makes me feel whole. I will just continue to live my life seeing myself as a better person because of what he sees and wishing I knew how he was able to find it in me.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Simplicity
Sometimes the idea of simplicity is so appealing. Just to do simple things, to live a simple life seems thrilling. I watch the movies where people go and live in places like Italy or France and I want to be there so badly. To buy all your food fresh, have beautiful flowers every night, and to watch the sunset over the ocean.
Walk among the trees barefoot and just feel the cool grass between your toes. Pet a kitten, smell its fur, fall asleep with it's purring in your ears. I miss that. Hold a baby, know that its yours and that at that moment nothing else matters. Lose yourself in the feel of it's skin, the smell of it's hair, its weight in your arms.
Tasting a man's sweat, the sun slanting in the window as you lose yourself in his grasp. Laying your hand on his chest and feeling the coarse hair beneath your fingers. Kissing his lips and feeling that tingle in your stomach as the kiss lingers just a moment longer. The way you mind blanks out for a moment fuzzing to nothing as he holds you. The moment when you just can't seem to get close enough and you just want to feel like part of him and then you are.
Such simple small things, I cherish the moments I have and long for the ones I have not yet experienced. I need to take more time to look at my life and to see it for what it is and what small things it can give me right now.
Walk among the trees barefoot and just feel the cool grass between your toes. Pet a kitten, smell its fur, fall asleep with it's purring in your ears. I miss that. Hold a baby, know that its yours and that at that moment nothing else matters. Lose yourself in the feel of it's skin, the smell of it's hair, its weight in your arms.
Tasting a man's sweat, the sun slanting in the window as you lose yourself in his grasp. Laying your hand on his chest and feeling the coarse hair beneath your fingers. Kissing his lips and feeling that tingle in your stomach as the kiss lingers just a moment longer. The way you mind blanks out for a moment fuzzing to nothing as he holds you. The moment when you just can't seem to get close enough and you just want to feel like part of him and then you are.
Such simple small things, I cherish the moments I have and long for the ones I have not yet experienced. I need to take more time to look at my life and to see it for what it is and what small things it can give me right now.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Jealousy
So lately my jealousy and anger have been out of control. It seems to always be burning underneath everything that I say or do with Heather. I don't know what is wrong with me but I have never felt this way not the whole time Rob and I had been fooling around or after we got into our relationship. I find that when Heather asks me a question that seems obvious I want to snip at her, I also find my self thinking mean things after I answer. Last week when I came home at one point the door was locked and the light was off, we usually leave the door unlocked and the light on for anyone not home so it makes it easier for them to get in. Once or twice in the past Rob or I have accidental locked the door or left the light off and Heather has come home and been upset about it. When is has happened I run and get the door for her as quickly as I can because I feel bad and I did not mean to. It has dome to be this big thing like if you are the one locked out we don't care about you or something. I never really minded because I understand things happen but that night I felt different. I watched thought the screen on the door window as I tried to unlock both locks and Heather just sat there watching me do it she never made any move to come and get the door. When I go in she said it was because she thought I was home already and she was sorry. I was a little peeved that she did not help but that was it, then I went up to say hi to Rob and he told me she asked him if I was home and he said no. So it left me wondering if Heather left the door locked on purpose to punish me for the times in the past.
Now there is a huge possibility that it really was an accident and I am making a big deal out of nothing but I can't seem to shake it. I wonder if this is just truly my jealousy rearing it's ugly head or if its more. All the things I have read about poly talk about the fact that jealousy always comes from something, it's not it's own separate emotion but more a mix of many others. I don't know if I'm mad because I want more nights and I feel like I can't ask for them because I am greedy or if it's the fact that Rob planed on telling his family about me before his sisters wedding and Heather told him she thinks that he should wait until after. His sisters wedding is in October, it feels to me like she wants to put it off. I know that all of this stuff could really be just may head making it bigger but it's really just driving me nuts.
I never wanted to hide this relationship forever I want it out and real. It feels like it may just drag on forever, I was so happy that Rob was going to tell his family it was the next step but now I don't think it's going to happen.
I don't know what to feel things are so much better but it still seems like somethings have never changed. I want to sit down and seriously talk about where things are going, like talking to families, babies and nights. I also want to find out how everyone is feeling because I don't think it's really all out there and it needs to be. I want to know if Heather can seriously deal with this or if she has just been gritting her teeth to get thought it. I don't want her unhappy I want this to be good, not perfect mind you but good.
Now there is a huge possibility that it really was an accident and I am making a big deal out of nothing but I can't seem to shake it. I wonder if this is just truly my jealousy rearing it's ugly head or if its more. All the things I have read about poly talk about the fact that jealousy always comes from something, it's not it's own separate emotion but more a mix of many others. I don't know if I'm mad because I want more nights and I feel like I can't ask for them because I am greedy or if it's the fact that Rob planed on telling his family about me before his sisters wedding and Heather told him she thinks that he should wait until after. His sisters wedding is in October, it feels to me like she wants to put it off. I know that all of this stuff could really be just may head making it bigger but it's really just driving me nuts.
I never wanted to hide this relationship forever I want it out and real. It feels like it may just drag on forever, I was so happy that Rob was going to tell his family it was the next step but now I don't think it's going to happen.
I don't know what to feel things are so much better but it still seems like somethings have never changed. I want to sit down and seriously talk about where things are going, like talking to families, babies and nights. I also want to find out how everyone is feeling because I don't think it's really all out there and it needs to be. I want to know if Heather can seriously deal with this or if she has just been gritting her teeth to get thought it. I don't want her unhappy I want this to be good, not perfect mind you but good.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Watchmen
So last Friday I got to go see Watchmen, it was amazing. I loved it so much I went a second time, and I would go a third or forth time if I could. It was so true to the comic, and it filled in the spaces in between the frames as well. Here are somethings I loved about the movie.
-I love how DR. Manhattan looks, his eyes are like constant star burst and when the camera moves near him there is this interesting other worldly sound effect that happens.
-The scene with Night Owl and Silk Specter in the owl ship is so sexy. I like that they went there, it was unexpected and amazingly done.
-The actor who played Rorschach was so good, he truly made me feel for him. At the end right before he is disintegrated his emotion is so strong and it really makes you understand why he was doing what he was doing.
-The fighting was so well done it truly gave action to the comic. I like how the movie was great for people who had read the comic and for people who had not.
-The Scene at the end with Ozymandias after everything has happened and Night Owl and Silk Specter are leaving, he looks like a little kid waiting for someone to tell him that he has done the right thing it's so cool.
-The music. Bitching! Some people whinnied that they should have used new music, I think that's stupid the movie takes place in the 80's we have perfect music just waiting to be used and it was well done I must say.
So that is just some of the reasons I love the movie.
-I love how DR. Manhattan looks, his eyes are like constant star burst and when the camera moves near him there is this interesting other worldly sound effect that happens.
-The scene with Night Owl and Silk Specter in the owl ship is so sexy. I like that they went there, it was unexpected and amazingly done.
-The actor who played Rorschach was so good, he truly made me feel for him. At the end right before he is disintegrated his emotion is so strong and it really makes you understand why he was doing what he was doing.
-The fighting was so well done it truly gave action to the comic. I like how the movie was great for people who had read the comic and for people who had not.
-The Scene at the end with Ozymandias after everything has happened and Night Owl and Silk Specter are leaving, he looks like a little kid waiting for someone to tell him that he has done the right thing it's so cool.
-The music. Bitching! Some people whinnied that they should have used new music, I think that's stupid the movie takes place in the 80's we have perfect music just waiting to be used and it was well done I must say.
So that is just some of the reasons I love the movie.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Steps
So I can't stop thinking about babies again, dreaming about them, seeing pregnant women and wishing I was one of them. Sometimes I don't know why I have such an overwhelming urge to to be pregnant and have a baby. I know that some of it has to do with the fact that I am a women and thus I have all of those hormones that go along with it. My body wants to carry a baby because that is what It's supposed to do. I want a baby though because I think I would be a good mother and I want so badly to have a baby with the person I am with.
God it kills me how much I want to fell a baby growing inside of me, I was so envious of my sister when she was pregnant. I want so bad to place my hand on my belly and feel a baby kick, to have Rob rest his head there and hear the baby's heartbeat. To hold that baby when she or he comes out and touch and smell she of he. I can never stop thinking about them I just want so badly to talk this out and finally decide that yes we are trying for a baby. I have this medicine that my doctor gave me that will make my period regular and thus will make me more fertile, but I have not started to take it yet because I don't think its time. I think the families need to know about our relationship I think it would be wrong for me to become pregnant and then lay it all on them. Rob said that he is going to tell his family, he wants to talk to his sister first and he hopes that she will help him tell his mother. Heather still has no idea when she is going to tell her family.
This fells like it is almost right, like we are almost there.
God it kills me how much I want to fell a baby growing inside of me, I was so envious of my sister when she was pregnant. I want so bad to place my hand on my belly and feel a baby kick, to have Rob rest his head there and hear the baby's heartbeat. To hold that baby when she or he comes out and touch and smell she of he. I can never stop thinking about them I just want so badly to talk this out and finally decide that yes we are trying for a baby. I have this medicine that my doctor gave me that will make my period regular and thus will make me more fertile, but I have not started to take it yet because I don't think its time. I think the families need to know about our relationship I think it would be wrong for me to become pregnant and then lay it all on them. Rob said that he is going to tell his family, he wants to talk to his sister first and he hopes that she will help him tell his mother. Heather still has no idea when she is going to tell her family.
This fells like it is almost right, like we are almost there.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Jewlery
Lately I have been thinking a lot about jewelry. I have never once gotten a piece of jewelry form a man that I did not know about. I have always eather picked it out or have been there when it was gotten. I want to know what it feels like to get something that I will wear forever that I did not pick out.
I have always liked the idea of a locket, a nice little locket. Something that I can put a picture in and wear around my neck. For me it feels like something I could hand down to my children when they get older.
It's silly and I know it a girl wanting jewelry but sometimes I just want to be a girl.
I have always liked the idea of a locket, a nice little locket. Something that I can put a picture in and wear around my neck. For me it feels like something I could hand down to my children when they get older.
It's silly and I know it a girl wanting jewelry but sometimes I just want to be a girl.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Hurt
I am so angry, jealous and hurt. I’m trying not to be but I can feel it just seething beneath the surface. I get jealous, everyone does but normally with Heather it’s very minimal, she is Robs wife of course their going to do things. But today it just hit me and I am so….. oh I can’t even explain.
Every morning when I wake up I get ready for work and then Heather gets up and gets ready and I say good morning to Rob and then I leave. But today I get up and when I’m done in the shower no Heather, sometimes this happens she sleeps in so I go downstairs and have breakfast. When this happens Rob ends up coming downstairs at some point and saying goodbye but not this morning. This morning I sit and wait for him but he does not come, and I realize why when I listen him and Heather are having sex. Now the fact that they are having sex does not bother me, Rob and I have sex all the time at weirder times it’s the fact that he is doing it when he has not said goodbye to me. Can’t he have told Heather before they started, “let me say goodbye to Chandra and then I will come back.” Or can’t he have come told me he wanted to have sex and I would have said goodbye and left early so they could have been alone. I really don’t mind that they have sex even when I am in the house it only seems right to me but it hurts that he did not say goodbye, he always says goodbye, always.
I’m really hurt right now and I don’t think I can be objective, I know I am blowing this out of proportion but it just hurts. I have never felt so hurt by him, he is always so good with me and about our relationship and the intricacy of it. I’m just shaking right now and I just want to cry. I know that when I get home he will be nice to me and I will be all better but right now I just hurt.
Every morning when I wake up I get ready for work and then Heather gets up and gets ready and I say good morning to Rob and then I leave. But today I get up and when I’m done in the shower no Heather, sometimes this happens she sleeps in so I go downstairs and have breakfast. When this happens Rob ends up coming downstairs at some point and saying goodbye but not this morning. This morning I sit and wait for him but he does not come, and I realize why when I listen him and Heather are having sex. Now the fact that they are having sex does not bother me, Rob and I have sex all the time at weirder times it’s the fact that he is doing it when he has not said goodbye to me. Can’t he have told Heather before they started, “let me say goodbye to Chandra and then I will come back.” Or can’t he have come told me he wanted to have sex and I would have said goodbye and left early so they could have been alone. I really don’t mind that they have sex even when I am in the house it only seems right to me but it hurts that he did not say goodbye, he always says goodbye, always.
I’m really hurt right now and I don’t think I can be objective, I know I am blowing this out of proportion but it just hurts. I have never felt so hurt by him, he is always so good with me and about our relationship and the intricacy of it. I’m just shaking right now and I just want to cry. I know that when I get home he will be nice to me and I will be all better but right now I just hurt.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Getting Started
So this weekend I cleaned up my gym membership and will start going back on Monday, yippee. I also looked in to somethings you should do if you are trying to get pregnant, like taking prenatal vitamins even if your not pregnant yet. I am going to pick some of those up when I go to the store. I feel jazzed about this, I know it's not going to be easy and there will be days that I wish I could just eat what I want but I know I can do this. It's for a baby that's all I have to keep thinking about, baby.
I'm also going to make an appointment with my OB and talk to her about things I should start doing and seeing if there is anything they can do to make this easier. I don't want this to take forever but I know not to get my hopes up with my body this could take years, yuck.
I'm also going to make an appointment with my OB and talk to her about things I should start doing and seeing if there is anything they can do to make this easier. I don't want this to take forever but I know not to get my hopes up with my body this could take years, yuck.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Looking Back
This is a great time for me to look back at my year and see how it has unfolded.
Rob, Heather and I moved into our own apartment in May to great success. I now have both Thursday and Friday nights with Rob. I have my own bed room that I picked out most of the decorations for, finally.
Rob and I want to most if not all of the Saturday and Tuesday practices for Dag, we also did hit all of the Dag Battles in this area. Rob and I went to 4 days of Ragnork one of the biggest Dag battles and had a blast, we also went to Badon hill as a unit and where filmed for the new TV show called Wreckreation Nation on Discovery channel. The episode airs January 20th at 10pm and will most likely be replayed a million times! We now have 6 people in our unit and we are hoping to get more soon.
I have a name of a lawyer that I am going to call on Monday so that I can finally get my divorce from Dave. I have a car that I have made payments for on my own on time for the whole year. I have paid off most of my debts and am working towards paying off the rest of them. My niece turned 1, started walking talking and being cute in general. I lost a friend but gained a lot more. I talked to a women about the possibility of being on a show about Poly, have not heard anything back yet but these things take time. Kissed no new girls :( Decide to lose wight once and for all so I can have babies. Seen some truly amazing movies and read some wonderful books.
Rob, Heather and I moved into our own apartment in May to great success. I now have both Thursday and Friday nights with Rob. I have my own bed room that I picked out most of the decorations for, finally.
Rob and I want to most if not all of the Saturday and Tuesday practices for Dag, we also did hit all of the Dag Battles in this area. Rob and I went to 4 days of Ragnork one of the biggest Dag battles and had a blast, we also went to Badon hill as a unit and where filmed for the new TV show called Wreckreation Nation on Discovery channel. The episode airs January 20th at 10pm and will most likely be replayed a million times! We now have 6 people in our unit and we are hoping to get more soon.
I have a name of a lawyer that I am going to call on Monday so that I can finally get my divorce from Dave. I have a car that I have made payments for on my own on time for the whole year. I have paid off most of my debts and am working towards paying off the rest of them. My niece turned 1, started walking talking and being cute in general. I lost a friend but gained a lot more. I talked to a women about the possibility of being on a show about Poly, have not heard anything back yet but these things take time. Kissed no new girls :( Decide to lose wight once and for all so I can have babies. Seen some truly amazing movies and read some wonderful books.
Well I think that pretty much sums it up but if I think of anything else I will add it later.
Weight
So I have finally hit the moment of it’s time to lose weight.
My work is doing this biggest loser contest and I signed up for it. You put in $20, there are three winners who lost the most weight, next highest weight lose and so on for the third. The first winner gets 65% of the pot, the second gets 30% and the last gets 5%. I entered this because I really wanted to make a change in my life but mainly because I want to get pregnant and I just can’t seem to.
I have been reading online a lot about Polycystic ovary syndrome which I am almost certain I have. I had a test at my OB’s office and they gave a tentative diagnosis of yes but I never had the change for it to get confirmed. But what I have read online really points towards it, irregular or nonexistent periods, pain in pelvic area and skin tags in neck and armpit area. Plus it helps that Sara has it and we are identical twins. Losing weight can really help with this syndrome and in general will help me.
I want to have a baby with everything in me, I know it may not be the right time but I don’t want to wait any longer. I can do this I can get my life and weight on track, I actual know what works for me I just have to stick to it. I work best with moderate exercise everyday or every other day, portion control also works well for me. I’m going to get my gym membership squared away and then I am going to start going again, I am also going to start doing some exercise at home. Everything I have read says to write a journal about all the things your doing to get healthy and to have a goal, well here is my journal and my goal is babies. If I want this bad enough I can do it.
Current weight: 300 even
My work is doing this biggest loser contest and I signed up for it. You put in $20, there are three winners who lost the most weight, next highest weight lose and so on for the third. The first winner gets 65% of the pot, the second gets 30% and the last gets 5%. I entered this because I really wanted to make a change in my life but mainly because I want to get pregnant and I just can’t seem to.
I have been reading online a lot about Polycystic ovary syndrome which I am almost certain I have. I had a test at my OB’s office and they gave a tentative diagnosis of yes but I never had the change for it to get confirmed. But what I have read online really points towards it, irregular or nonexistent periods, pain in pelvic area and skin tags in neck and armpit area. Plus it helps that Sara has it and we are identical twins. Losing weight can really help with this syndrome and in general will help me.
I want to have a baby with everything in me, I know it may not be the right time but I don’t want to wait any longer. I can do this I can get my life and weight on track, I actual know what works for me I just have to stick to it. I work best with moderate exercise everyday or every other day, portion control also works well for me. I’m going to get my gym membership squared away and then I am going to start going again, I am also going to start doing some exercise at home. Everything I have read says to write a journal about all the things your doing to get healthy and to have a goal, well here is my journal and my goal is babies. If I want this bad enough I can do it.
Current weight: 300 even
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Party
Tonight I am going to a friends Christmas party which will be nice I will be giving them more time together and I can relax a little and get some thinking done. I hate that I have spent most of this week away from home but maybe it’s good for me to get out. I think I have to make more of an effort to do stuff outside the house give Rob and Heather time to just be with one another even if it’s just them watching tv or Heather on her computer and Rob near by.
Messy
So I guess after talking to Rob about how she feels, thinks are better for Heather. Rob has also realized that he was not giving her as much attention as she needed.
This is great don’t get me wrong I am happy they worked it out but urgggg! This big deal was made out of it and now its nothing, blown a way as if it was so much dust and dirt. I guess a lot centered on me how my habits annoy her and how I don’t do enough at the house. Also how she feels that I am not truly committed to Rob since I have yet to get my divorce. I try not to be mad about these things because honestly I can be messy and even though I make excuses that I don’t have any time for the laundry I do I just have to do it when I want to be doing something else which sucks but life sucks.
But I am mad, I know I’m messy, I forget things, and I tend to put stuff off for a later time because I am scared about it or just plain lazy but how the hell does she know how I feel. I love Rob, I love him so much I gave up my marriage which even though crappy was normal to get in to a relationship where I will never feel truly safe. I have no guarantee of stability, at a moments notice she could say she can no longer handle me and in the end out I will go. Rob may decide that he can’t live with out me or he could try to fight her over it but in the end she may stick to her guns and done it will be. Then what will happen will he continue to try to see me on the side which eventual I will have to end because I can’t truthfully live like that forever. Or will it end right away and it will have to go on my own, which at this point I am ready to do if need be, I will be shattered to pieces but I will do it. I know she is sad I know she is having a hard time really I do but I do not feel like she has a right to say something like that. I have never once said to Rob that I don’t think Heather loves him and if I have said anything about her feelings for him then I am truly sorry I don’t have that right.
I love him, I will get the divorce. It’s hard and scary and when I look at it all I can see is a daunting task. But I will do it, I will pull up my boot straps and get it done. Until then I need her to give me time and to not make judgments. This is fucking hard for everyone, she is not the only one suffering, this was not what I original wanted for my life and even once I have excepted this life style this is not the way I would have wanted it either. I would love to be in a relationship with two people who both love me not just a relationship where one person loves me and the other one puts up with me. I truly feel that this is how it is with Heather she puts up with me because she has to. I love Heather she drives me nuts and things are not perfect but I truly do care about her well being, I just don’t know if she feels the same way. Did I make the right choice? Sometimes I don’t know, I think she is just doing this to keep Rob but how long will it take her to just hate it and us.
This is great don’t get me wrong I am happy they worked it out but urgggg! This big deal was made out of it and now its nothing, blown a way as if it was so much dust and dirt. I guess a lot centered on me how my habits annoy her and how I don’t do enough at the house. Also how she feels that I am not truly committed to Rob since I have yet to get my divorce. I try not to be mad about these things because honestly I can be messy and even though I make excuses that I don’t have any time for the laundry I do I just have to do it when I want to be doing something else which sucks but life sucks.
But I am mad, I know I’m messy, I forget things, and I tend to put stuff off for a later time because I am scared about it or just plain lazy but how the hell does she know how I feel. I love Rob, I love him so much I gave up my marriage which even though crappy was normal to get in to a relationship where I will never feel truly safe. I have no guarantee of stability, at a moments notice she could say she can no longer handle me and in the end out I will go. Rob may decide that he can’t live with out me or he could try to fight her over it but in the end she may stick to her guns and done it will be. Then what will happen will he continue to try to see me on the side which eventual I will have to end because I can’t truthfully live like that forever. Or will it end right away and it will have to go on my own, which at this point I am ready to do if need be, I will be shattered to pieces but I will do it. I know she is sad I know she is having a hard time really I do but I do not feel like she has a right to say something like that. I have never once said to Rob that I don’t think Heather loves him and if I have said anything about her feelings for him then I am truly sorry I don’t have that right.
I love him, I will get the divorce. It’s hard and scary and when I look at it all I can see is a daunting task. But I will do it, I will pull up my boot straps and get it done. Until then I need her to give me time and to not make judgments. This is fucking hard for everyone, she is not the only one suffering, this was not what I original wanted for my life and even once I have excepted this life style this is not the way I would have wanted it either. I would love to be in a relationship with two people who both love me not just a relationship where one person loves me and the other one puts up with me. I truly feel that this is how it is with Heather she puts up with me because she has to. I love Heather she drives me nuts and things are not perfect but I truly do care about her well being, I just don’t know if she feels the same way. Did I make the right choice? Sometimes I don’t know, I think she is just doing this to keep Rob but how long will it take her to just hate it and us.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Blow Over
SO all this and nothing, I leave to give them some time to them self and I don't think anything was discussed. If they did I'm not going to hear about it, I will have to bug Rob and I hate that.
I should just ask but I don't want to upset Heather if they did talk about some things. Plus I know I will say the wrong thing and it will all go out the window. Sometimes I am so straight forward I just want people to stay stuff and get it out in the open, just say it for gods sake. What is the matter? Are you happy? Do you hate me? Please!
I am just going to sit here and stew and wait it's the only way, hope someone says something.
I should just ask but I don't want to upset Heather if they did talk about some things. Plus I know I will say the wrong thing and it will all go out the window. Sometimes I am so straight forward I just want people to stay stuff and get it out in the open, just say it for gods sake. What is the matter? Are you happy? Do you hate me? Please!
I am just going to sit here and stew and wait it's the only way, hope someone says something.
Shit!
Shit shit shit shit shit!!! I though we where doing well but I guess I'm wrong fuck fuck. All this time I had no idea that anything was wrong, I knew she was down because of her mom but she has not said word one of how she is feeling neglected and uncared for. Part of it is that I may have really not been seeing the signs but she has never voiced anything. I don't know if she has been talking to Rob about this but I did not know I would make some effort do what I can to fix things but god. URGGGGGGGGG! Shit shit shit!
I don't know what to do, fuck I do know what to do. We all need to sit down and talk like I told Rob we needed to do months ago to see how we are doing, but it's as much my fault as his I could have asked to but I was happy floating along. I guess things need to change, you think things are all right then you get smacked in the face yippee!!!
This could have all been prevented we really need to make an effort to talk more often.
Fuck Shit Balls!!!
I don't know what to do, fuck I do know what to do. We all need to sit down and talk like I told Rob we needed to do months ago to see how we are doing, but it's as much my fault as his I could have asked to but I was happy floating along. I guess things need to change, you think things are all right then you get smacked in the face yippee!!!
This could have all been prevented we really need to make an effort to talk more often.
Fuck Shit Balls!!!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Snuggling
So I spent the morning in bed with Rob. Snuggling, kissing, giggling, and talking about how much we loved each other. It was silly, lovely and I am so happy for the days that I get to do this. I feel like it reconnects me to him and recharges my love batteries, which over the days and weeks take a beating as normal life grinds away at it.
We talked about the children we plan to have, what we want to name them and what we think they will look like. I think the boy is going to have slightly curly brown hair, and the little girl with have really curly red hair. What every they will look like they will be smart and funny and full of sass. Once they get old enough I know Rob is going to teach them all sorts of tricks to play on their moms and how to look the cutest when they are in trouble. We even talked about having them take fencing classes when they are old enough.
I’m so happy I had this morning I will glory in it for as long as I can :)
We talked about the children we plan to have, what we want to name them and what we think they will look like. I think the boy is going to have slightly curly brown hair, and the little girl with have really curly red hair. What every they will look like they will be smart and funny and full of sass. Once they get old enough I know Rob is going to teach them all sorts of tricks to play on their moms and how to look the cutest when they are in trouble. We even talked about having them take fencing classes when they are old enough.
I’m so happy I had this morning I will glory in it for as long as I can :)
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thanksgiving
I’m thinking about Thanksgiving and I’m nervous. I love that I am going to get to be with Heather and Rob but it’s the rest of the family that I am worried about. Last year I went to Heathers sisters house for their family Thanksgiving and Heather has invited me to go along again this year. I’m worried that her family is starting to wonder what I’m doing, they know I’m getting divorced and that I live with Heather and Rob but that’s about it. I think that they are asking questions as to why I keep coming to family functions and why I have not moved on. Soon I think they are going to figure out that something strange is going on.
I keep thinking that we will have to tell them someday but as more and more time passes I am seeing that day coming closer and closer. Within a year or two they are going to know something’s up if I am still living with them and I don’t have a boyfriend.
I don’t know the timeline to this stuff, when do we start telling people. My parents know, Rob and Heather’s don’t. Most of our friends know but Dave does not. I know he is my soon to be ex but what happens after he finds out could be bad if he gets mad. He could decide to tell everyone, and we can go around saying it’s lies but people are going to put two and two together and eventual come up with the answer.
Maybe I am stressing to much about this stuff, I am just going to be happy that I get to be with my loved one for this holiday and look forward to when everyone knows and we can rest easy.
I keep thinking that we will have to tell them someday but as more and more time passes I am seeing that day coming closer and closer. Within a year or two they are going to know something’s up if I am still living with them and I don’t have a boyfriend.
I don’t know the timeline to this stuff, when do we start telling people. My parents know, Rob and Heather’s don’t. Most of our friends know but Dave does not. I know he is my soon to be ex but what happens after he finds out could be bad if he gets mad. He could decide to tell everyone, and we can go around saying it’s lies but people are going to put two and two together and eventual come up with the answer.
Maybe I am stressing to much about this stuff, I am just going to be happy that I get to be with my loved one for this holiday and look forward to when everyone knows and we can rest easy.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Rambling
I fell better knowing that I can make love to him. Everything can be so hard but when I am with him holding him it all seems so unimportant. All my life sex has seemed to be a guard for me a safe place I think that’s why I have clung to it so strongly. It’s not like I have had a horrible life but I think some things have shaped me more then I can understand.
Sara is a big part of it, I need to be close to someone because of her. I have always had her near and felt her love, annoyance, anger, happiness everything I can’t live without it. I think if I had to live on my own I would eventually crumble, I need to be with someone I have had that my whole life. I think at first I was filling my life with men that would do that for me fill my need of love and I don’t think I ever really thought about the choice I just did it. Now I think for the first time I am really thinking, using my brain to see Rob and all the things he represents. In some ways he has forced me to do that for so long I looked at my behavior and said it’s ok I can’t help it people have to understand that. What I have come to see is that yes they understand but that does not mean that it does not hurt them. He made me see things in my self that I needed to change, he helped me to realize that I had to do something’s on my own. I hope that I have been able to change him in some good way, or to see himself or the world in a different way.
All I know is that right now I fell like I am new. I feel lost in him and life and love. Living in our home being with Heather and him give me so much joy. I bitch and complain about little things but I don’t think I have ever been happier. All my bills are paid on time, I have a nice clean room and house to live in and lots of friends. When I get to sleep with him, it’s such a small bed and sometimes I fell hot or he steals the blankets and I’m cold or I’m squished on the edge of the bed. But even because of all of that I would not give it up I love having him laying there, felling his warm fighting for the blankets, snuggling up to him. The way he looks at me sometimes is so amazing, he looks as if he loves me so so much, cherishes me even.
All of this is a little bit ramble but it all just sort of came out and I wanted to let it.
Sara is a big part of it, I need to be close to someone because of her. I have always had her near and felt her love, annoyance, anger, happiness everything I can’t live without it. I think if I had to live on my own I would eventually crumble, I need to be with someone I have had that my whole life. I think at first I was filling my life with men that would do that for me fill my need of love and I don’t think I ever really thought about the choice I just did it. Now I think for the first time I am really thinking, using my brain to see Rob and all the things he represents. In some ways he has forced me to do that for so long I looked at my behavior and said it’s ok I can’t help it people have to understand that. What I have come to see is that yes they understand but that does not mean that it does not hurt them. He made me see things in my self that I needed to change, he helped me to realize that I had to do something’s on my own. I hope that I have been able to change him in some good way, or to see himself or the world in a different way.
All I know is that right now I fell like I am new. I feel lost in him and life and love. Living in our home being with Heather and him give me so much joy. I bitch and complain about little things but I don’t think I have ever been happier. All my bills are paid on time, I have a nice clean room and house to live in and lots of friends. When I get to sleep with him, it’s such a small bed and sometimes I fell hot or he steals the blankets and I’m cold or I’m squished on the edge of the bed. But even because of all of that I would not give it up I love having him laying there, felling his warm fighting for the blankets, snuggling up to him. The way he looks at me sometimes is so amazing, he looks as if he loves me so so much, cherishes me even.
All of this is a little bit ramble but it all just sort of came out and I wanted to let it.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Tempers
So it’s been a long weekend and a really long time since I posted on this blog. Mainly it’s just that I have been really lazy and I find that I mainly only write when I am upset or I figure something out in my life. So this is a figure something out about my life moment.
On Saturday we had a battle for Dagorhir, it was the first one my sister has run. All together it was pretty fun, there where some raised tempers and some painful shots but other then that it was a good time. Near the end of the battle we where fighting a portal battle where two teams fight against each other to see who can hold the portals. I was on one team and Rob was on the other, the fighting was long and I was getting mad. At one point I came up against Rob and of course he killed me, without even thinking I called him an “ass” and walked away, he tried to call me back but I just left. At the end of the battle I tried to apologize but he told me that he did not want to talk to me right now he did not even want me close to him. Needless to say the rest of the day sucked I felt bad and mad at the same time, I was mad because I though he was over reacting and I was sad because I don’t like people I like mad at me.
When we got home I spent the rest of the night cleaning my room upstairs while he was downstairs hanging out with a friend of ours. Finally he came upstairs and we talked, it was hard and scary. The worst part is that I realized that I was wrong, he had all the reason in the world to be mad. I have always thought that my temper was not that bad and it truly is not but once I looked at it I can see that in it’s own way it is. I don’t get mad at everything, scream, yell, or hit anything or break anything. I store everything up and then finally explode and I usually says something with out thinking, it’s fast and gone within a second but it’s there and I can be mean.
Rob stated that he did not care that we where on the field fighting against one another, that he was still my boyfriend which means I should be respectful to him which means not calling him names. He was really not sure how he can deal with my temper the way it is, the way he spoke it made me think he wanted me to leave if I could not change.
Updated 11/21/2008
I want to post this because it was important feelings I was having at the time but I never finished, it will have to stay unfinished but that's just how it is. Things worked out fine between us, I had to come to the realization that I was not perfect and that Rob works really hard at keeping his temper which can be as bad or even worse then mine. I got mad at him when he was mean to Megan and lost his temper he has the right to want me to be better about my temper as well.
On Saturday we had a battle for Dagorhir, it was the first one my sister has run. All together it was pretty fun, there where some raised tempers and some painful shots but other then that it was a good time. Near the end of the battle we where fighting a portal battle where two teams fight against each other to see who can hold the portals. I was on one team and Rob was on the other, the fighting was long and I was getting mad. At one point I came up against Rob and of course he killed me, without even thinking I called him an “ass” and walked away, he tried to call me back but I just left. At the end of the battle I tried to apologize but he told me that he did not want to talk to me right now he did not even want me close to him. Needless to say the rest of the day sucked I felt bad and mad at the same time, I was mad because I though he was over reacting and I was sad because I don’t like people I like mad at me.
When we got home I spent the rest of the night cleaning my room upstairs while he was downstairs hanging out with a friend of ours. Finally he came upstairs and we talked, it was hard and scary. The worst part is that I realized that I was wrong, he had all the reason in the world to be mad. I have always thought that my temper was not that bad and it truly is not but once I looked at it I can see that in it’s own way it is. I don’t get mad at everything, scream, yell, or hit anything or break anything. I store everything up and then finally explode and I usually says something with out thinking, it’s fast and gone within a second but it’s there and I can be mean.
Rob stated that he did not care that we where on the field fighting against one another, that he was still my boyfriend which means I should be respectful to him which means not calling him names. He was really not sure how he can deal with my temper the way it is, the way he spoke it made me think he wanted me to leave if I could not change.
Updated 11/21/2008
I want to post this because it was important feelings I was having at the time but I never finished, it will have to stay unfinished but that's just how it is. Things worked out fine between us, I had to come to the realization that I was not perfect and that Rob works really hard at keeping his temper which can be as bad or even worse then mine. I got mad at him when he was mean to Megan and lost his temper he has the right to want me to be better about my temper as well.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Shop
So my mother has started her own little shop on a very cool website called Etsy I love the stuff they sell here and I am super happy that she has done this. She has been working on these little dolls forever and I am happy that she finally can do something with it that will help her. I am posting the link here because I really want to show my support.
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5667505
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5667505
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