Death

Last night I was hanging out with some friends and the conversation came to death, one of my friends Aunts is struggling with cancer and her Mother is very upset about the possibility of her death. While talking about it I realized how callus I was sounding about it and it made me try to explain why I was sounding that way.

When I was younger I thought I did not have a good grasp of death because I only had one person I know pass away my Great Grandmother. I was around 6-7 years old so I don’t have much memory and at that age you really don’t grasp death and what it means for you. So I always thought I was so detached about it because it has never really hit my life, then my grandfather passed about 2 years ago. I cried and told people how sad I was, but I look at it and realize a lot of it was because I was doing what I thought was the right thing for someone in my position to do. I missed him and I was sad that he had died but I was not broken up about it, he was older and had a lot of medical issues at that point. Of all of my grandfathers I was closest to him but still the relationship on it’s own was not that close. As my life has gone by people I have vaguely know or meet in passing have passed away with out a blip on my radar, I’m not surprised that I have now feelings about them other then a general “That’s so sad” and a feeling or sadness for their family.

So truly death has still not touched my life with his boney claw, while maybe in passing. My mother has had a scare with cancer and my twin sister has on going kidney issues that are pretty bad. So my close family members are still all here and safe, maybe that is why I can’t understand death.

Right now I look at death as something that happens, the world if full of death natural and not so natural. I tend to look at death even for the one’s I love as something inevitable. I flew in a plane for the first time about a month ago and I was not scared the whole time. If I died when the plane crashed so what, I would be dead nothing I can do at that point. I guess that’s not a fair example that’s my death, I have never been scared of my death I am more scared of being maimed.

So here is the crux of all of this how would I feel if Rob died, Sara (Twin Sister), James (Brother), my parents, or don’t even want to think about it Ellie. How would this change my life and how I look at death. I just don’t know I may feel the same way I may not. I just don’t have the understanding, I apologized to my friend because I was being thoughtless and she kindly excepted it.

UGGGG House!

So we found a house we love it was listed at 94.9K and we put a bid on it for 80K........  and they sent a counter offer of 92.9K, we then sent another higher bid of 87K........ and then the seller did not respond for 2 days she then said she would not look at our offer. She did not say no straight out but she did not give us a counter offer.  What the fuck! All she needs to say is no or this is the price I want to sell at and I am going no lower, but she did not say anything of that.  Everything we have gotten from our Realtor is that she is angry and belligerent.  WHY? What did we do, nothing.  We think she is waiting for her open house this weekend to see if she could get a better offer. The house has already been on the market for 115 days and they have had no buyers. I wonder if this is the reason why, is the owner always doing this when someone makes a bid that she does not like.

Just so frustrated.

Talking

So right now Rob and Heather are not talking to each other, actually its more so Rob is not talking to Heather.  This has been going on for 2 weeks so far.  I don't talk about this on the blogger at all normally but I know mostly my friends read this and they wont say anything to any one involved.

Heather has been having trouble with credit cards for a long time, and this has been causing problems with Rob and Heather off and on in their relationship.  I'm pretty sure that she learned her habits from her parents, most of her sisters have the same credit card issues.  Rob and Heather have dealt with her past very large credit card debt by consolidating it on a loan with her credit union, the only problem is that a credit card is attached to that account. Rob cut up the card with her name on it and had his card locked away.  Heather still has one personal credit card that she is allowed to have with a very low limit.

Well this winter we all decided to us the card to get some repairs on her car that where much needed and to buy a new projector as a group present, that was all the card was supposed to be used for.  So about two weeks ago Rob went and looked at the credit card statement and found at that Heather had been using the card from the moment they took it out of hiding.  She bought a few large purchases and then lots of little purchases thru the month of November and December.  Rob was so so mad, he found out that the bank mailed her a new card with her name on it because the card had expired and that was what she was using.  This has happened before, where she has used the card and should not have been, but it had been awhile a go so Rob had thought that she was getting better.  The night that he tried to talk to her about it she told him that she gotten cared away because of Christmas but since December she has stopped using it.  Then her phone rang upstairs and she left to go answer it instead of staying down stairs to talk to Rob.  Since then he will not talk to her, he is waiting for her to come to him and talk about the card.  She talks to him but will not bring up the card, so he does not talk back.  Now the new month has come and the credit card statement was received but has disappeared, Rob can not find it.

All of this has created a very unhappy feeling in the house most of the time.  I keep trying to tell Rob he should talk to Heather but he is too mad, Heather says she has tried but Rob wont talk back.  Now I am worried that Heather is going to leave if things don't get cleared up soon.  This is all on top of the fact that we are looking at houses and even about to make an offer on one.  I don't know what is going to happen I wish that they would just talk to each other.

New Houses

So we looked at some more houses yesterday and today and it turned out well.  We saw one house on Friday that we really liked and today we found one that we loved.  We have decided to make an offer and see where it goes.

The house has 4 bedrooms, 2 full baths, Living room, Dining Room, Newer Kitchen, closed in Florida room, large basement, new windows, and a very large and accessible attic.  With some wok the Attic could be finished to make another large room. A nice backyard, 1.5 garage, and a generator.

The only small bad points are no ac, and radiator heating. The radiator heating is not so bad, most are covered with really nice covers and they keep the house really warm.

We are really excited, we don't want to get our hopes up because we still have a lot to go thru before it is all done and the house is actually ours so cross your fingers for us please.

Houses 2 & 3

So tonight we are going to look at houses number 2 & 3.  Number 1 was bad, really bad.  The guy who lived there with his son did all these little repairs to try to make the house look good but I think it just made it worse.  The downstairs bathroom had a nice new toilet, Sink with one of those bowls that sit on top of the stand and a beautiful mirror cabinet thing.  But then the wall was covered with this crappy wall paper and the tile on the floor and half of the wall was all beat up and did not meet the wall paper.  The tub was also old and crappy.  All the downstairs rooms had been painted but the guy had not even bothered to remove any nails or screws he just painted over them. The carpet was just nailed down with no pad underneath and it was crappy carpet.  Then you go upstairs and nothing had been done, right in the stairwell the wall had holes all over it and was really dirty.  The roof and the wall did not meet you could see the insulation it was so bad.  I can't believe how much he was asking for that house. The basement was bad too, you could tell the one wall leaked and there where pipes leaking as well.  The wall that leaked also had mold all over it, I don't know how this guy expects to sell his house.

We are really hoping that these next two houses are better, I will post more once we get back tonight.

After:
House number 2
Good: Had 4 bedrooms and a nice big garage and back porch, Two bathrooms and a somewhat half finished basement. 
Problems: The Master bedroom was down stairs and small, there was no bath room upstairs, both bathrooms where on the main floor actually right next to each other.  The kitchen was very outdated, all of the basement finishing was home owner done and not very well. One of the bedrooms upstairs was the size of a walk in closet, and the furnace was old.

House number 3
Good: Very big, nice size rooms and good carpet. New Furnace was put in in 2010.
Problems: Far away from all of our works, Old old house late 18 hundreds.  Kitchen was redone, but was shoddy and poorly laid out, Could tell that the house was settling towards the middle because all the floors where sloping towards the middle.  All updates seemed shoddy and basement was the original from when the house was build. Scary bit the foundation is being held up by two by fours, scary.

So for right now no house.

Father Christmas

We just had our big chapter battle on the 22n and it went so so well.  We had over 100 people at the feast and at least 80 people on the field fighting I am so happy that I got to be out there with everyone.  Ellie had a great time and my parents where so happy to be able to hang with Ellie and watch their daughters have fun.  This event has gotten me even more excited for Ragnarok only have until June 12th not that far away.

Here are some pictures. 

And one more of me squished on the point in a hold the point battle.

Oh I am the one in the Brown and Green with the Sheild that has the three leafs on it, just in cause you don't know what I look like.

The Pain's Of Home Buying

So we are going to be buying a house, and all I want to do is groan.  This is the first house that any of us have every owned and just getting started is daunting.

First off Heather and Rob are going to be the ones doing the actual buying I will just be pitching in with down payment and mortgage payments when we get the house of our dreams (or as close to our dreams as we can with a normal persons paycheck).  My credit is not great, not horrible mind you but now great so they really don't need me on the loan, so the actual house purchase will be them with me just helping out.

Second we have been looking to do this since January of last year but after some discouraging remarks from a lender we got scared off.  Heather has had a credit union since she was young and she went to them to get and idea about a pre-approval amount for a loan so we would know where to start looking.  The bank told her they had another company they went thru for the loans and she dutifully called them to get the info.  The guy she got on the line was a DICK!  He was snotty from the moment she got on the phone and when she told him that we only had about $3000 for a down payment at that moment he just shut her down.  He never asked how much she and Rob made and never gave her a chance to say we planed on putting more in to the down payment in the coming year, he just said there was no way we could get a house with that.  Heather came of the phone very discouraged and uninterested in looking further.  It has taken us all this time to finally get going again, I have been pushing all along but until now they where not interested.  Truth to be told Heather is still not interested in being the driving force I have had to push Rob into doing the work.

So finally this year I was a house for sale near Ellie's daycare and I was thinking how great it would be to live that close.  Plus all of our works are about 10 mins away as well as Heathers parents it would really be a great place to live.  I went online and contacted the realtor to see if we could look at the house and he got back to me the next day. He explained that he would love for us to look at the house but he wanted to know if we had gotten pre-qualified for what we could buy first.  I called him and told him no but that we where very interested in doing so.  He was happy that I was not upset about getting pre-qualified first the homeowner just did not like looky loes who had no intentions of possible buying and could not really afford the house anyways.  So the Realtor gave me the name and number of a lender and Rob finally called him!

So now we have been pre-qualified and we are going to look at the house this weekend.  I am ecstatic, I have been waiting for this for so long.  The next part of our life is finally happening, no more apartments a house all our own.   Living in an apartment with all the rooms we needed and space to store stuff was getting expensive, this should be so much better.  Of course we are going to have to deal with the costs of owing a home but at least it will be our home.

More to come on this subject as it develops! Happiness!!

A Different World

Since Ellie has been born I have been looking at the world differently.  I see things as she would see them for the first time, clean and fresh.  Things I had not taken the time to see or feel have really gotten my attention in the past months.  Like the stickiness of yogurt, how fun it is to paint with.  How the sun looks on the carpet and how warm and interesting it feels on your hand.  The feeling of water as you run your fingers thru it, how fascinating it is to watch the water drops as they come out of the shower head.  I missed these thing while rushing around in my crazy adult world and having Ellie has really given me the chance to look at them again.

Right after I had Ellie I found myself crying over the stupidest things, sappy commercials, songs on the radio, even books that I read to her.  It has slowly started to pass but I find I still cry more often then I ever did before.  At first I thought it was because of lingering hormones but now I think not.  I'm seeing the world and the things that are happening in it in a different way now.  Before when I would see something about a family losing a mother or a child on TV I would be sad but now I cry.  I know why because now I am seeing Ellie in everything, how she would feel if these things happened to her or how I would feel.  Sometimes it is so overwhelming, thinking of losing her makes me tear up even now.  My world is forever altered it can never be the same, I can never see it with the callousness that I did as a single person.  When you are on your own all you really have to worry about is you, if you die yes your family will miss and love you but your impact is still minimal.  But when you have a child your death would take a piece of their world from them.  I hope that my daughter never has to leave without me or Rob in her life.

I also see the joyful things as well, the sharing of food, playing in the grass, talking in the car about her day, watching beloved movies for the first time, showing her books that I hope she will love, seeing what her favorite color is, watching her smile at me for the first time, seeing her hug her father and hearing her tell me that she loves me for the first time.  I never want to live in a world without Ellie.

The Walking Dead

The show is amazing, it truly highlights the comic without completely following it page for page.  I have had my ups and downs with the comic, there was even a point where I had to stop reading it for awhile because it was too much.  I did finally come back because I still loved it, I just needed to take some time to not hate what had happened and understand that it was needed.  I hope that the show gets the chance to make people think and really decide if they can love it or hate it. 


Watch the show if you get the chance and read the comic, really read the comic it is the best I have seen in a very long time.  Give it a chance you may come to love it as much as I do.

Sister Wives 2

I know the show has been done for awhile but I really wanted to say how much I really loved the show and I really do hope that they have a second session.  I think what I want most is for it to keep the same feeling of honesty and truth.  They seemed so real and honest, sometimes it hurt, they really wanted people to see what their life was really like and to know how they truely felt about it all.

I was able to identify with all of the wives in one way or the other.  The feelings of jealousy, hope, trust, love, frustration, and passion for the way they lived.  They where never ashamed of the way they lived, they where happy to be in the relationship they just had to deal with the occasional issue.

That is all I really had to say about it at this point I really hope that they get a chance to share more of their lives with all of us.

Dreaming Of Me

It has been a long time since I have gotten to have a me moment.  Things have been so crazy and stressful at work and home is busy with all the stuff we do that I just don't have time.  I have to drop Ellie at daycare, then work then I pick up Ellie, then I go to the Gym three times a week, do my chores once a week, take care of Ellie when I am not doing that.  The weekends are full of Dagorhir practices on Saturday, and gaming on Sunday. I just want a moment to breath.

I had a dream where I was just walking in a stream, rocks where digging in to my feet and cutting them but I did not care.  I felt so calm and full of the feeling of me that it did not matter the pain or cold.  I feel like that is what I need in my life something to make me not care about the being tired and stressed.

Ellie is a big help everyday when I go and get her from day care, I am so excited I'm almost running to get to her room.  Then she smiles at me when she sees me at the door and I just melt, it's so much of what I thought being a mom would be.   

My life is not that bad I have a place to leave, a job, an amazing man who loves me and has the ability to love more, a baby that I have wanted for so long, and friends and family who really care about me.  How can I want more, and yet I do.  Just a breath, sometime to lean back and look at all that I have.

Sister Wives

So Rob, Heather and I have been watching that new TV show on TLC called Sister Wives.  So far we are really liking it.  The family seems so real and very willing to talk about their feeling openly.  I know that they are a polygamist family but a lot of what they are dealing with is the same stuff that polyamorous families deal with.

If you have not watched it you really should, it is wonderful.  Right now the husband courting a 4th wife and it has been over 16 years since they added a new wife to the family.  His existing 3 wives are feeling scared and jealous of what is going on even thought they knew this was something that might happen.  They understand that he still loves them but they have gotten so used to it just being the 4 of them and their kids that they are having a hard time dealing.  They really do talk so openly it's refreshing to see people that are willing to share their feelings even if they are embarrassing or selfish.

The husband Cody is so caring of his wives and their needs.  His wives are also so understanding of the fact that he is being shared and are happy that he makes time for all of the wives.

The other nice thing is that they are not pushing their religion on their children and they want their girls to go to collage, they would prefer if they do not get married before collage.  They all fill a role and seem happy in that role, the one wife loves to work and can because the other wife loves to be home watching the children.  The first wife Meri had a sister who was also married in a polygamist family and she died of cancer.  Her one happiness was that her sisters children already had other mothers there to love them and raise them the way her sister would have wanted.  She is happy that with her life style if something where to happen to her the same thing would happen for her daughter.

I will have to keep watching the show to see where it is going but I really can't wait for the next episode.

Apple Paloza

So yesterday my friends and I where going to go to the Hilton Apple Fest....... But is was yucky outside.  Cold, rainy, muddy and all that grossness.  So instead we went to Wegmans and got, apple crisp, apple cider and some moves, and went back to my house to vegetate for the day.  It was wonderful, I love days where nothing is really planed and you just chill out and have fun spending time with friends. 

Movies watched: 4 and a quarter.

Losers: Awesome movie, great action, cool weapons, funny acting, not a really in depth plot, perfect for the first movie.

Backup Plan:  We watched about 20 minutes of this movie and just could not go on, it was so crappy.

Runaways:  Very good movie loved all the acting, go little but not so little Dakota Fanning.Very surreal and engrossing.

Lewis C.K. Shameless: So funny, I love this man "Suck a bag of dicks!"

Wolfman:  We saw this movie in the theater but we loved it so much we had to watch it again.  I just love the old time feel of all the sets and the actors.  I also love that the makeup for the wolf man was all hand done no CGI.  It was very old school wolfman, LOVED!

Commitment Ceremony

Rob and I had our commitment ceremony on August 29th, it was beautiful.  We had talked about it for months and we finally decided that we did not want to have a lot of people there.  We decided that we wanted it to be us, Rob and I.  We wrote vows and we shared them with each other.  Our friend took some pictures from far away so that we still would have privacy but we would have memories, she also very kindly watched Ellie for us as well.  It really was everything I could want, I love having an aniversery now something we can share

togeather.  Rob is all I could ever want, living with Him, ellie, and Heather is all I want in my life.

My Ellie

Ellie is growing up so fast it's hard for me to see her getting bigger and not being my sweet little tiny girl. I love that she is growing at the same time because now she moves and wiggles and smiles. She is sitting next to me right now in her wiggle chair, trying to grab her toes and sucking on her lower lip.

I can't wait to watch her change and learn, being with her is some of the happiest hours I have had in my life. At first Heather was not so interested in her but now that she is so cute and talkative she has really started to take a liking to her. I have actually went out to exercise and hang out with friends and Heather has been happy to help Rob watch her.

Just thinking about all the milestones that are going to happen in her life and that I am going to be apart of them makes me smile. She is yelling at the top her lungs now, she is not mad or anything she just loves using her voice. Silly cute baby girl.

Killin Time

Nice calm weekend just killen time, hanging with my baby girl the Ellie, Rob and Heather. I have three days next week to chill out then back to work training and getting ready for the next class.

I wish that I felt more confidant with my ability to train. I know that when I get in front of the room I can do it, its really the planing portion that gets me. It does not help that my fellow OJT coach is so fast about getting everything done, she takes over before we have even had a chance to start thinking about what we need to do. I want the chance to prove that I can do this job, so next time we get a chance I am just going to do it and not ask her for anything.

Had some nice time today playing Minecraft, I really love this game it's so much fun. I can build a cave hide out or I can raise a fortress high into the night, then I can kill zombies and dig up Iron ore all in the same day. Awesome game if you have not played it yet you should try it now.

Post Secret

So a friend at work pointed out this blog to me, Post Secret. I don't know what to say about it, I know I love it but I also feel a sense of dread looking at it as well. People send postcards with a secret on it to the blog author and he picks some to post to his blog every Sunday. Reading the postcards make me feel like I am being let in to a private world. They also make me scared, I can't even figure out why.

They seem to help so many people find peace or at least some understanding. For me they make me think of what I would send, I have secrets but I have not hidden many of them. Most I have told my twin sister others I have shared with my boyfriend. I don't know if it's right for me to send one, do my secrets really count.

Reading them truly gets my emotions going, happy and sad. Knowing that people are mailing these out into the world to be possible read by everyone is amazing.

When I write this blog and talk about how I feel about being Poly is my way of sharing my secrets. I need this as much as everyone else needs Post secret.

Beautiful Girl

My baby is so wonderful she makes me so happy to be a mother. She wakes up each morning with a smile for me, its a smile that makes you smile back. I dream of the day she finally starts talking, she can talk my ear off if she wants I don't care. I want to know her likes and dislikes, I want to hear all the silly little things that brighten her day.

I love my Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful Ellie!

Being Poly

I don't know what being Poly is, for the last three years I thought I knew. I wanted poly to be Rob and I in a relationship with another women who loved us both. One who wanted to spend the day and night with both of us equally. I wanted that to be us, a happy loving trio snuggling on a bed together.

Realistically that is not what poly is for us, Poly for us is two women sharing a man. Heather and I have nothing to do with each other, we are friends and that is about it. I would love to say we are like sisters at least but we are not, we are just comfortable friends. In someways this is not bad but I dreamed of so much more, Heather will never be that snuggling girl for me. I have come to except this about our life, I don't think we will ever find a girl who can be that for both of us.

Unexpected Romance

I miss the thrill of the new and forbidden. I miss the unexpected romance that would leave me reeling. I miss doing stuff to just do it, in places it should not be done in. I miss being surprised with a afternoon lunch that I did not think could be fit in.

Since last year right around June things have started to die out, truly it's not anyone’s fault. First there was an unexpected distraction then there was a baby being baked then a baby being born. So it was one thing after another and now it feels like we are both to tired or bored to want to go that extra mile. I hate that I said to myself I would never let that happen.

Don't get me wrong it's not like I don't get my fair share it's just not to the extent that it used to be. I know life changes but I was hoping that this part never would. I can deal with the fact that I am no longer the new and untried but I am still fun and willing to play in pretty much anyway, I think that still makes me interesting. I also know that the forbidden is not some much there anymore but that is the one cool thing about Poly things can always be forbidden and secret.

Sometimes I feel like I'm always going to be chasing after trying to still be relevant.