Sister Wives

So Rob, Heather and I have been watching that new TV show on TLC called Sister Wives.  So far we are really liking it.  The family seems so real and very willing to talk about their feeling openly.  I know that they are a polygamist family but a lot of what they are dealing with is the same stuff that polyamorous families deal with.

If you have not watched it you really should, it is wonderful.  Right now the husband courting a 4th wife and it has been over 16 years since they added a new wife to the family.  His existing 3 wives are feeling scared and jealous of what is going on even thought they knew this was something that might happen.  They understand that he still loves them but they have gotten so used to it just being the 4 of them and their kids that they are having a hard time dealing.  They really do talk so openly it's refreshing to see people that are willing to share their feelings even if they are embarrassing or selfish.

The husband Cody is so caring of his wives and their needs.  His wives are also so understanding of the fact that he is being shared and are happy that he makes time for all of the wives.

The other nice thing is that they are not pushing their religion on their children and they want their girls to go to collage, they would prefer if they do not get married before collage.  They all fill a role and seem happy in that role, the one wife loves to work and can because the other wife loves to be home watching the children.  The first wife Meri had a sister who was also married in a polygamist family and she died of cancer.  Her one happiness was that her sisters children already had other mothers there to love them and raise them the way her sister would have wanted.  She is happy that with her life style if something where to happen to her the same thing would happen for her daughter.

I will have to keep watching the show to see where it is going but I really can't wait for the next episode.

Apple Paloza

So yesterday my friends and I where going to go to the Hilton Apple Fest....... But is was yucky outside.  Cold, rainy, muddy and all that grossness.  So instead we went to Wegmans and got, apple crisp, apple cider and some moves, and went back to my house to vegetate for the day.  It was wonderful, I love days where nothing is really planed and you just chill out and have fun spending time with friends. 

Movies watched: 4 and a quarter.

Losers: Awesome movie, great action, cool weapons, funny acting, not a really in depth plot, perfect for the first movie.

Backup Plan:  We watched about 20 minutes of this movie and just could not go on, it was so crappy.

Runaways:  Very good movie loved all the acting, go little but not so little Dakota Fanning.Very surreal and engrossing.

Lewis C.K. Shameless: So funny, I love this man "Suck a bag of dicks!"

Wolfman:  We saw this movie in the theater but we loved it so much we had to watch it again.  I just love the old time feel of all the sets and the actors.  I also love that the makeup for the wolf man was all hand done no CGI.  It was very old school wolfman, LOVED!

Commitment Ceremony

Rob and I had our commitment ceremony on August 29th, it was beautiful.  We had talked about it for months and we finally decided that we did not want to have a lot of people there.  We decided that we wanted it to be us, Rob and I.  We wrote vows and we shared them with each other.  Our friend took some pictures from far away so that we still would have privacy but we would have memories, she also very kindly watched Ellie for us as well.  It really was everything I could want, I love having an aniversery now something we can share

togeather.  Rob is all I could ever want, living with Him, ellie, and Heather is all I want in my life.

My Ellie

Ellie is growing up so fast it's hard for me to see her getting bigger and not being my sweet little tiny girl. I love that she is growing at the same time because now she moves and wiggles and smiles. She is sitting next to me right now in her wiggle chair, trying to grab her toes and sucking on her lower lip.

I can't wait to watch her change and learn, being with her is some of the happiest hours I have had in my life. At first Heather was not so interested in her but now that she is so cute and talkative she has really started to take a liking to her. I have actually went out to exercise and hang out with friends and Heather has been happy to help Rob watch her.

Just thinking about all the milestones that are going to happen in her life and that I am going to be apart of them makes me smile. She is yelling at the top her lungs now, she is not mad or anything she just loves using her voice. Silly cute baby girl.

Killin Time

Nice calm weekend just killen time, hanging with my baby girl the Ellie, Rob and Heather. I have three days next week to chill out then back to work training and getting ready for the next class.

I wish that I felt more confidant with my ability to train. I know that when I get in front of the room I can do it, its really the planing portion that gets me. It does not help that my fellow OJT coach is so fast about getting everything done, she takes over before we have even had a chance to start thinking about what we need to do. I want the chance to prove that I can do this job, so next time we get a chance I am just going to do it and not ask her for anything.

Had some nice time today playing Minecraft, I really love this game it's so much fun. I can build a cave hide out or I can raise a fortress high into the night, then I can kill zombies and dig up Iron ore all in the same day. Awesome game if you have not played it yet you should try it now.

Post Secret

So a friend at work pointed out this blog to me, Post Secret. I don't know what to say about it, I know I love it but I also feel a sense of dread looking at it as well. People send postcards with a secret on it to the blog author and he picks some to post to his blog every Sunday. Reading the postcards make me feel like I am being let in to a private world. They also make me scared, I can't even figure out why.

They seem to help so many people find peace or at least some understanding. For me they make me think of what I would send, I have secrets but I have not hidden many of them. Most I have told my twin sister others I have shared with my boyfriend. I don't know if it's right for me to send one, do my secrets really count.

Reading them truly gets my emotions going, happy and sad. Knowing that people are mailing these out into the world to be possible read by everyone is amazing.

When I write this blog and talk about how I feel about being Poly is my way of sharing my secrets. I need this as much as everyone else needs Post secret.

Beautiful Girl

My baby is so wonderful she makes me so happy to be a mother. She wakes up each morning with a smile for me, its a smile that makes you smile back. I dream of the day she finally starts talking, she can talk my ear off if she wants I don't care. I want to know her likes and dislikes, I want to hear all the silly little things that brighten her day.

I love my Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful Ellie!

Being Poly

I don't know what being Poly is, for the last three years I thought I knew. I wanted poly to be Rob and I in a relationship with another women who loved us both. One who wanted to spend the day and night with both of us equally. I wanted that to be us, a happy loving trio snuggling on a bed together.

Realistically that is not what poly is for us, Poly for us is two women sharing a man. Heather and I have nothing to do with each other, we are friends and that is about it. I would love to say we are like sisters at least but we are not, we are just comfortable friends. In someways this is not bad but I dreamed of so much more, Heather will never be that snuggling girl for me. I have come to except this about our life, I don't think we will ever find a girl who can be that for both of us.

Unexpected Romance

I miss the thrill of the new and forbidden. I miss the unexpected romance that would leave me reeling. I miss doing stuff to just do it, in places it should not be done in. I miss being surprised with a afternoon lunch that I did not think could be fit in.

Since last year right around June things have started to die out, truly it's not anyone’s fault. First there was an unexpected distraction then there was a baby being baked then a baby being born. So it was one thing after another and now it feels like we are both to tired or bored to want to go that extra mile. I hate that I said to myself I would never let that happen.

Don't get me wrong it's not like I don't get my fair share it's just not to the extent that it used to be. I know life changes but I was hoping that this part never would. I can deal with the fact that I am no longer the new and untried but I am still fun and willing to play in pretty much anyway, I think that still makes me interesting. I also know that the forbidden is not some much there anymore but that is the one cool thing about Poly things can always be forbidden and secret.

Sometimes I feel like I'm always going to be chasing after trying to still be relevant.

Staying Home

I need to find some way that I can stay home with Ellie. I had a baby so that I could raise her and take care of her. I did not have a baby so I could take care of her on nights and weekends. I know that it's going to be hard to raise her I know that right now it's easy. But I still want to raise her good or bad. She is my baby I want to be the one to see her grow and change. Maybe when she is older I will want to work again, when she is at school. But right now I need to be home, I need too. Being at work just does not fit for me.

I'm sitting here at work and I am thinking "Yes I could do this everyday, leave Ellie with my sister. But do I want to?" It's going to hurt me inside to let this job suck the life out of me and make me leave my Ellie.

I know that we need money, I also know that we need insurance but there has to be someway that we can get this with me working at home.

Normal

I wish my life was normal, I don't mean just Rob and me I mean everyone being happy. I know that life can't be happy all the time but I just wish we did not have to worry about if everyone wanted to be part of our life.

I love my baby, I love Rob, I care a lot about Heather but I want us to be happy. I just don't know that Heather is going to ever be happy with this or if she is just going to put up with it for her whole life.

I want to live in a poly life where everyone involved where happy with the lifestyle. As of right now we are not really living in a poly lifestyle, Heather and Rob are living as a married couple with the girl that Rob allowed into his life but Heather does not want. I know that she thought I would get bored with Rob and leave and then when I got pregnant she was surprised and scared. I think because she realized that I was not going that I was in it for the long haul.

I truly hate this so much, I think that if Rob and I could we would like to be more Poly because I think that is who we are. Rob loves Heather and he always will but I just don't know what Heather feels. She is so hard to read, you have to pull everything out of her. I think if she had the resolve she would leave Rob and go live with her sister or her parents.

Is it to much to ask that everyone that was involved in a family was happy about it.

Having A Baby

So I always knew that having a baby changed your life, but I can say I am surprised at somethings that have happened. I feel somewhat disconnect with my life like I am watching things happen not really participating, it's really weird. The connection that I felt for Rob is different, I sill love him so much but something is different. I don't know if it's because right now we can't be intimate and that is a big part of our relationship or if it's because I have Ellie now and I am not so dependent on his love.

Every night I am so tired from taking care of Ellie and Rob is so tired from working all day that we kind of just sit and chill. I don't have that same feeling of closeness that I had with him for so long, I'm really sad about it. It could all just be that we need time to settle into this new life with a baby but right now it's really throwing me off.

The other problem is that I am trying so hard not to think about having to go back to work in a couple of weeks because I know that it will make me so sad. I don't want to leave Ellie, I really want to raise her and see her grow. I don't want to just see her on the weekends and at night when I get home from work. She is so important for me and I truly hate missing the most important part of her life, where she is becoming a person.

I also don't think Heather is adjusting to this as well as I would hope. We really need to sit down with her and talk about what how she wants to be in Ellie's life. I still wish she was truly interested in this life and not just hanging on because she loves Rob. I want our life to be happy and content and I don't think Heather is ever going to fell that way. I think she is always going to wonder if she fits and if things would just be better if she left or I left. I want her to know what she wants and do it. I truly sound like a broken record when it comes to this so I will move on.

Ellie is wonderful and I look at her and love her more then I can possible say, nothing can change that for me. I wish I could have had that last month of pregnancy but 8 months was OK. I can't wait till I am pregnant again, I loved it so much. There where hard parts but the feeling of having a baby inside of you is like nothing else. I also wish the labor had been different, if I get pregnant again I plan on doing things differently. For one I plan on staying natural and maybe even doing a water birth. It's funny labor is hard, scary and painful but I would do it again because it was so neat doing something that only I could do for my baby.

Welp I know I have more to say but I can't think of it know so I will come back when I can.

Idiot

So my mothers Ongologist is a goddam idiot. He told her that everything came back clean on her tyroid tests and that there was no cancer. He then sent her to get some radiation to make sure nothing was left. The radiation people took it on themselves to look at all her lab test and slides from the test and found some intresting results. She does have cancer pretty widespread within her uterus and her Cervix. They said if the doctor had looked at even one of her slides he would have seen it. They also said that if they had done the small amount of radiation that the doctor wanted to have done she would have did in a matter of years.

How fucking retarted can you be, it's your job to look for cancer and you could not even look at one goddam slide! I am so so mad, so mad like steaming mad. When my mom saw him he would not even touch her or give her a physical exam, she said he was very standofish.

I am just so......

Heart

I have missed Rob a lot the last couple of months. It's not like he is away a lot or anything it's just that he has seemed so unlike himself. I miss the man that he was, silly, goofy, antagonistic, playful, happy, and here. The last couple of months have been hard so much has happened and it seems to have taken a lot of the life out of him. I wish there was something we could do to bring that life back. I don't know if he needs to go away for a bit to get some time on his own to refresh himself, or there are just things that need to be settled before life can go on. I think that in some ways he is never going to be the same man, I think to much has happened for him to be able to go back completely to the carefree man he was.

I love him now as I loved him before but I just miss seeing the light in his eyes. I want to hold him and see him get better, but I know it's not going to happen.

I feel tired too, just so worn out. I know some of it has to do with the baby but I know that a lot of emotional stuff is wearing me out too. I don't know if in some ways this is my fault, I had this vision in my head of how it should be when I got pregnant and what is happening now is not it. I thought I would have time to relax and get ready for what is coming, I thought everything would be nice and calm after the initial freak out. Everything is so crazy, I still don't know how Heather truly feels about this and even if I ask her I don't think I will ever get her true inner answer. She is not going to tell her family and I think this will end up being a mistake I know this is her choice but I think it's going to bite us in the butt. So much is going to change in the next few months and I would just like to know how everyone is going to handle it. I know it's not going to be easy but it would be nice to have a general idea that everyone is willing to stick it out with this and not cut and run, and right now I am not sure of that.

I just want to see everyone happy again in my little family, I miss the joy we used to have in our house. I thought this baby would bring more happiness but with everything being so fucked up because of other things it feels like it has just been buried. It feels so empty I just want our heart back.

Of Late

Lately I have not really posted a lot, so much is going on in my life that I don't know how to put into words. I wanted this to be a place that I could express my thoughts and feelings but of late it has just been a hole I look into. I never wanted to keep a blog that was so emo but I am truly sick of keeping this empty just because I don't like what I'm writing. The good and the bad has to be here.

The baby: This baby is everything to me I am clinging to it right now like a life preserver. I have wanted him in my life since I can't remember and now I have him and it seems like everything has gone to shit. My mother once said that there is a curse on my family, that whenever something good happens something equally bad happens to negate it out. This has pretty much held true for my whole life, the one thing that has changed is that in the last couple of years I have looked at it a different way. Maybe it was not a curse after all it was a blessing. Maybe something good happens to me because fate knows that something horrible is coming around the corner and it is trying to help make it not so bad. It can't make my life the happiest but it is trying to not make it the worst ether. Example: My mother had he uterus removed which she has been fighting to have done for years, we are all so happy. Then they find that she has cancer, we are all scared and worried but maybe that was the point. Maybe the reason fate finally let her have this surgery is because it knew about the cancer and wanted to make sure she was safe. So far after all the test and other surgeries that have not found the cancer anywhere else then in the uterus. As scary and bad a time this has been maybe there was a reason.

The thing that is making this so hard for me is that I did not want my baby to be one of those things but sadly I think it's true. I finally get pregnant and I am so happy, then all of these things in our life that have been hovering around just explode. I know some of the exploding has to do with the baby but some of it was all on it's own. Will this baby be something to help me as I watch our relationship crumple around us or will it be a presence to bring us back together. I just did not want this for my baby. I wanted to just enjoy this time, feel this baby inside me and know that I am going to love him so much when he comes out. I did not want him to just be a buffer for the bad things.

Our relationship: I have no idea where the fuck we are going, no clue. So much is out of my control, it's like a train wreak I have to just watch and hope that everyone comes out ok. I truly don't have much to say because really there is nothing I can do. I love Rob will never stop loving Rob but sometimes my love is not enough. I can't help him through this I can just be there. Heather is my friend but we will never be as close as we where I can't be the confidant and companion she needs. They have to make their own beds and lie in them, where they will be and who they will be with in the end if anyone I have no idea.

I just want my life to be simple, but really I'm dumb because nothing with Rob can be simple. Maybe if things had gone differently 8 years ago, maybe if people had realized things about themselves and what they wanted this would be different. But maybe I would not be here I would be somewhere else just as crazy.

I really am just going to have to ride this out and hope that we can work this out or at least separate and all go good ways. I have to live this life no matter what, I have a baby to think about now and I plan on doing my best for him.

Family

So I'm having a baby, so so happy about it!

Heather has decided that she is not going to tell her family about our life style, she is just going to tell them I got pregnant accidentally with a boyfriend that I had just broken up with. I don't like it I don't really think it's going to work but Heather does not feel comfortable enough with our relationship to defend it to her family so she feels like this is the only way it will work.

I have decided that I am not going to try to work up an elaborate story if someone in her family asks me about it I will tell them I really don't want to talk about it and if they press I will say that it really is not any of their business. I will go along with this because it is what Heather wants and it is her family but I truly don't feel like it is the right thing. They will find out someday and I plan to have at least one more child and I don't know how we could really get people to buy that again, and if we did it would make me look like a slut and stupid. We will figure this out I guess, hopefully before the kid is old enough to understand what is going on around it because at that point it's all out the window. I will not lie to my child or make them lie, it does not work and it only hurts them.

Wearing Thin

With everything that is happening with my sister and my mother it’s really making me think about my life. I worry how much time I have and where I am going. I want children desperately and up till now I have been putting off really trying but I think it’s time I start. I don’t know how long I will be able to have children PICOS makes it harder and harder for you to get pregnant the older you get. Plus I want my mother to be around when I have my children, and if this cancer turns out to be bad I don’t know how long she will be here.

I’m scared, really really scared I’m not ready to loss both my mother and twin sister. This has really made me look at myself, I’m going to sit down with Heather and Rob and tell them what I want in my life. We do not have to make all the changes now but I think it’s time that I get it out in the open so we can move in that direction. I want to have equal nights, I want to have this Commitment Ceremony, I want to have children, I want us to all be talking about our relationship every month, I want to let Rob’s family know if not Heathers so that when I have children they can be involved. I would also like to go forward with trying to go to school so that I can have an actual career and be able to make my own hours. So that hopefully when I have children I will be able to stay home with them. I want to be a stay at home mom until my children are going to kindergarten, then I’m happy to go back to work.

I think the things I am asking for are reasonable requests and if they are not then we can work it out I just need to do something. I have really been letting things stagnate and it’s time to actually make some progress. Plus some other things need to be decided as well, it has already been to long and it’s getting to be dangerous.

I’m really hoping that the counselor can help me get things straight in my head, she was very friendly and nice and seemed to be ok with me being in a poly relationship. I want to try and get my sister to go see one as well she could really use the help, things are wearing on her pretty bad.

Ceremony

Sometime in May of next year Rob and I will be having a commitment ceremony. I have wanted to do this for awhile but we have held off until I was divorced and Heather was more comfortable with our relationship. I am divorced as of June; all we need now is to know if Heather is comfortable with what is going on. We had not told Heather right away about our plan for the ceremony, not because we where trying to hide it but because we wanted to get some details nailed down before we brought it up. Sadly she found out about it thru no ones fault and was upset. She was mad that she had to hear about it from a third party instead of from us. This does not help our case, I really want her to be ok with this but I’m not sure if she will be. After she found we sat down and talked about it a bit but Heather just continued to read her fan fiction on her laptop and “ahh” and “hum” from time to time. I don’t think she really thought about it at all, I know this is hard for her but I don’t know what to do. We will sit down again in a month or so and hopeful other things will have been taken care of and we can really get down to talking about our relationship.

I am thinking that it will be outside maybe in the park near our house, it’s really beautiful there. If it’s to cold outside it will most likely be in our apartment, or maybe somewhere else depending how the next few months pan out. We have asked a friend to officiate and he is thinking about it but he wants to make sure he is not stepping on anyone’s toes.

I really want this to happen, I feel like in need this to give me a more stable feeling in our relationship. We are supposed to be a family, Rob is not just dating me I live with them and we are going to be together forever. I want something to link me that way even if it’s just promises made to each other forever remembered by a ring and a day each year to celebrate.

Three

Last week my mom had her uterus removed, she has been having bleeding issues for a long time so this was something she has been trying to have done forever. Today she went and had her staples taken out and to have a general check up and the doctors wanted to talk to her about some of the tests they do automatically when they do this kind of surgery. They found Cancer stage 2. When my mother heals from this surgery they are going to remove her cervix as well. I was so surprised that I did not think to ask my mom more questions, we where on the phone so it was a limited conversation. She does not seem scared about any of this which I think was shat surprised and stunned me so much.

I don’t know how to react, I’m scared and stunned. I want to know more information from my mother, I’m not sure if with removing her uterus and cervix that will make her cancer free or not. I don’t know if she is going to have to go in for some kind of treatments. I don’t know anything.

This comes on top of the fact that the disease that caused my twin sisters kidneys to fail the first time is back. They are going to be doing some treatments with her and they hope that they can flush it out of her system. So far the Kidney I gave her is not failing but if this does not work who knows.

I don’t know how to feel about all this on top of everything else that I am stressing over right now it’s really mind blowing. I feel like nothing is wrong right now, scared of course but that’s it. I worry what this could mean for me and I’m happy that I am going to see my doctor this month so I can talk to her about what is going on and see if there are any tests they can run to see if anything is wrong with me.

Life can never be simple and it’s so true that trouble always comes in three’s. Tonight I just want to grab Rob and have him hold me for a little while, I just want to smell him and touch him basically anchor myself to him for some time.

Shadows

I finally realize that you can’t truly change a person, as much as you would like to think that you will be the one to change them you are WRONG. Even if you don’t actively think you are trying you are somewhere deep inside, more the fool you are then.

I can’t change myself and I hate worrying about other people and hiding from other people. I really want to live a full Poly life, completely. Being able to tell people when I want and to not tell other people when I don’t want. We are in a closed poly relationship no one is allowed in but the three of us but that is mainly because of Heather. If she was not in this relationship that would not be true, I’m half in and half out. I can’t believe I got myself into this, I am such a fool. I love Rob really truly but I’m rasping against our bonds.

I am so happy, but I feel like shadows are on the horizon. We still need to deal with families, babies, and I eventual want more nights. I want to be even with Heather not just two nights a week. I know she needs time and we will be together forever, but in some ways I just want to get it all out of the way so that we don’t have to wait for when things will crumble we can know now.

Nothing major is happening in our lives yet but I suddenly started thinking of these things, hope my mind shuts of soon really really soon.

Before now I really thought things would work out with all of us but I am not so sure now. I loved having Rob with me for all of Rag, I don't want him completly just more evenly it sucks going back to two nights a week. Rob and Heather are shaky more so then I ever though I don't know if they can truely do this togeather. I can't be selfish they need time to build up their bonds again but how stong will they be and what will cause them to come tumbling down again.

I am in a dark mode a lot of this is just noise not real issues, just a way for me to vent. Yuck.